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By dragonfleyes Date: 2003 Feb 21 Comment on this Work [[2003.02.21.14.31.22880]] |
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i remember how the cigarette would hang from his lips, low draw on his chin, smoke curling with the wind. it rained that night, falling heavy on the dark asphalt, pregnant streams from the rusted gutters. he stood against the wall, his body private and quiet against the wind. i looked at him and his shadowed eyes shaded by the night. there were moments when I could touch him and feel as if I was falling through darkness to reach a light; then others when my seconds were not long enough to encompass him. we were lost on the road earlier; missing our turn on the map. we were in virginia heading for the ocean. i never knew what he was thinking and everytime he said something, there was a sense of awe. every word he said seemed to drop on sacred ground, that every word was precious and I never knew when I would hear it again. i felt diminished at time when he spoke. he looked over at me, as the twilight set in, the air laden with the evening moths and fireflies. we came to the end of a road, tall with grass and cattails. there was a private pier, quiet on a little stream; we just sat there still for a moment. he leaned over and told me I had a beautiful smile. i wonder to this day why it hurt when he told me. why he thought i was beautiful at all. i mumbled thank you and we drove back to the highway. later that night i looked in the mirror while he was behind me. my body naked as was his. i remember the reflection of my face, and it didn't seem me for a moment. it didn't seem that it was this man behind me touching me where he was. that my breasts were in his hands, and his mouth on my neck. how could i feel so distant to something so intimate, and how could it hurt the same? this pain in me, this sad pain that touched me every place his mouth and hands had. we ended up touching all night while it rained, the complex act of sex. i never knew we were saying goodbye that night. perhaps that was the cause of my sadness. we dropped him off the next day in ohio. i kept on driving evening though it was midnight. I had to pull over a few hours later, my eyes began to see double. i dreamt of him while i lay in the backseat of my old volkswagen, in a southbend parking lot. that was the last time I saw him, and the image of him with that cigarette in his mouth is the one that haunts me at times. when we stood in the rain, with his memory in every cell of my body. |