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By newfoundlove Date: 2003 Mar 24 Comment on this Work [[2003.03.24.18.38.17244]] |
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i have all these half ideas swiming in my head.. and i keep thinking baout those fish i said i wanted them to die not even a week ago.. just b/c i was pissed.. and today.. i found them floating upside down in their tank it felt strange. i have one friend.. but he is my boyfriend.. the love of my life.. my hero.. my survival.. i dont know if he can take being all of that for but so long befor he brakes.. and i keep going back to those damned fish..why did they die.. is it posibly that i asked it.. that i wanted it.. or just my head playing more of those games it likes to play i alwayz lose lose? yes lose to myslef over and over again and i cant get how.. or y is it posible to lose to ur self? yes it has to be.. as often as i lose.. it is posible..my breasts are so sore..and i dont know y.. they have been for over 2 weeks.. and its becomeing worse.. my bra hurts.. a soft.. non wired bra.. is killing me right now.. and i still cant put all these thoughts together.. they are broken.. just like my ego.. my heart has been shatered anough u would think i memorized the pecies and where they go.. but truth being.. i still get confused.. my soul hurts and i cant mend the damage thats been done to me so often my thoughts stay in the past and my mind wonders constantly.. if not wondering. then it remains blank.. and those stupid fish floating.. looking at me blankly as if to say... u did this.. like i had not fed them.. or did not change their water.. they were not even my fish... not even the fish of someone i liked.. so y did i care? why should i care?.. b/c i wished them dead.. its my fault.. but i have rarly got what i wished for in the past.. why now? why did i this time? when i really dident even want it.. only b/c i was pissed.. only because i wanted to take my vocal anger out on those fish.. i have to get away from those fucking fish.. i cant think of them..no.. but what if i did only hapen b/c i wished it.?!? i miss him..(mack) his touch.. i saw him.. held him kissed him less then 4 days ago.. and now.. i feel as if it has been forever.. i feel like i will never have that again? does god put these thoughts into me to make me think.. really think.. or are they here b/c of the past.. or maybe b/c of some less wholesome force.. that wants me insane again that want me to go even further.. of is this ALL my imagination... is this a dream.. with out bleeding i have no way to know.. i feel good, at times great.. but with out him holding me i feel more empty.. almost hungry.. but only for him and his touch.. i need to be filled... 4 more days.. 3 more lonly nights with out him.. those damn fish wont get out of my head!! why not? why should i feel guilty for something i mearly wished for.?? i shouldent.. but i do all the same.. can mack handle what i ask him.. all that i ask him to be?? i hope it.. but and the same time dough it.. and i almost.. for his sake.. with that he would find better someone that would not ask all this of him!! but then for my own selfish reasons i wont let him go... dont even come close to wanting him to leave...selfish? yes.. there is that word.. fish.. those damned eyes!! make them go away!!can mack love me threw all that i'v doen to him? i cant even love me? how could he posible??? i dont get this any of it!! why should i care about those fucking fish?!? cuz i killed them!! no i did not. i only wished.. but it hapned cuz i wanted it... no thats stupid... why does mack stay? what is so good about me? i dont know.. how can he posibly love me like he does??i cant think anymore.. i'm only going to get more confuse.. i'm going to bed.. fuck this.. maybe i wont dream about those fishes looks.. or maybe i will.. problily will.. but maybe not.. mayb i will dream about mack holding me again.. that would be good.. i would like that..i hope i dream of that.. |