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By carol Date: 2003 Mar 29 Comment on this Work [[2003.03.29.23.30.23408]] |
| its 2:07 am.. i can not sleep.. no.. i dont want to sleep.. sleep brings morning quicker.. the night drags on with open eyes.. and morning in many wayz i am now dreading.. i WANT to cry.. and i feel the need.. this aching..i should cry.. and i have shed a few small tears.. but i wish to cry. to let out this emotion.. but i cannot.. i called him.. and awoke his mother.. she will be pissed now.. but i am disregarding the thought now.. for it doesent matter... i need him.. and i have to shame in calling on such an ocation..i havent slept at all tonight.. its not like i sleep and awake over and over.. i am simly avoiding sleep all together. i cant exacly say y, but i know i dont want morning to come.. so i drag this night on as long as possible. wrong.. i sapose.. but a simple exstetion of what tomorow will brong..i need sleep.. i am tired.. but i am in a state of exsticy at the moment.. pure sweet surender..i am in love. and almost lost what i have worked so hard to get and to keep. and over something stupid.. i give in. i love him.. no dought.. and forever is the only thing i think when his name rings in my ears.. so y dont i sleep..? the olny thing i cant think of is that i dont want to miss out..if i sleep i might miss a happy thought.. a memorie.. i might dream of what has been comeing of latly.. and i fear that. i dont have nightmares persay.. but a close thing.. infact. worse in many wayz.. i have given in again.. and as it is not good at all for my selfasteem.. i will live.. for i gave in to him.. and it makes him so happy of what i promised to do.. and not to do.. so i sacrifise my self worth again.. to please the unpleaseable.. and if i could go back.. befor i fell in love.. befor i gave up everything.. even if i knew how much it would be hurting me.. and my self worth, i would have giveing it all over again.. let him ask what he wanted of me.. and still would have done it.. but if i had known i would have most possibly done it with out quetion. no i know i would have done it! and as much as that thought scared me just a few hours ago.. i almost like it now.. that even all the shit that i have delt with.. was wroth it.. although at this point in time i do not belive a word of what he says.. i know what my heart is saying.. and it tells me to listen to his heart.. and i will.. but i must talk to him to do so.. and thats y i am afraid of tomorow.. for his call.. for the conversation that determins what i belive.. as of now.. i dought all that he has ever said to me..even what i want to be true..so tomorow... depending on what is said and done.. i will decide what i think.. what i know.. because right now.. my heart and head are screaming at each other.. each saying that the other is wrong in that it thinks...or feels.. and i cant decide what is right.. my head has played games befor.. but my heart gets me hurt.. it has to many times to count.. or maybe that was just be being foolish. who knows.. it might very well have been.. but all the same i can not sleep.. my diary is to out of date to bother trying to fill it in on today.. and the past few months.. is would take up the whole thing just to put down anough to make it understandable.. so i dont bother.. i will have to be satified with my thoughts beeing up here.. for others to read.. and for a person who is usaly very shy of who reads her personal thoughts and feelings. latly i will addmite i have been posibly overshareing.. maybe a little to much.. and i am sorry to say.. but do wonder if what we have is right.. if is is forever.. or was ment to be never.. and only ever began b/c i was to stubern.. or maybe to stupid.. to listen to my head over my heart..and it sadens me that i am so scared to talk to him. simlpy speack with him.. i have never befor...it dosent matter.. well i would sapose not.. i have been typeing for nearly half an hour.. i should go to bed.. anough of my sleep has been lost.. and i know i need to be up early anough to get his call in the morning.. although i fear it.. on the other hand i can not wair to hear is voice.. so i will sleep now.. if possible after my near lose tonight.. i will atleast try now.. i should atleast do that.. maybe i will just sleep on the couch. i dont much feel like climbing the stairs again.. so i think i will do that.. i dont know.. but i will go now.. and maybe i wont sleep after all iwill just finish my book.. i am almost done anyways.. and would like to see how it ends.. i will do that then.. so i guess i will sleep most of the day away tomorow while he is out with friends.. thats ok.. if i were to stay awake i would miss him to much to bare it anywayz.. |