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By ThoughtFull Date: 2003 Aug 08 Comment on this Work [[2003.08.08.21.28.32324]] |
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I do not love him anymore. It would be impossible to maintain any of the magical essences that come with the true love territory once you have witnessed what a shit the man can be. I knew we were doomed when he said he didn't believe in God. Not because I am a religious die hard by any means. But somewhere in my own color-outside-of-the-lines theology, Sunday school stories and Santa Claus and Prince Charming are all linked. They are the beautifully constructed fantasies that make life so simple when you are young yet they require amazing extensions of blind faith to maintain. No God, no fairy tale. I prefer the sensible safety net of suspended belief. He challenged my way of life, the routines I had constructed, all under the guise of "motivating me because I could do better" but without any of the motivational speaker-esque encouragment. His idea of inspiration was to mock the fate I was headed for instead, if I failed to heed his warnings. A life sentence of suffering "living in WV working retail for the rest of your life" Damning me to his idea of living hell I suppose. How could I love him after all that? The pretense fell away and all we saw were glaring errors in judgement. I couldn't be cynical enough and he couldn't believe in fairies. I couldn't let go of the white horse and he refused to ride. And here I sit months and boyfriends later. All it takes is one insignificant nothing to start me thinking about him. Tonight it was a guy's glasses. Funky black frames. I sit here suffering whiplash due to my double take. I don't think we would fall madly in love again if I see him or anything. I know we would rib each other in the sarcastically defensive flirtation we perfected with one another. The dance of the unsure. Of the ones who lost the magic. I don't love him anymore, I know. But here I am writing again. |