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By GoatgirlGeorge Date: 2003 Aug 13 Comment on this Work [[2003.08.13.20.57.21077]] |
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Lovesick Ah, I feel sick and good at the same time today. I cut down hugely on the candy bars, but I haven't even had an appetite for about two weeks, is it now? I'll just feel my stomach start to hurt really really bad andI realize the only way it will go away is if I eat but I have no taste for food. ...I am EXTREMELY lovesick. It's amazing really, how close love is to pain and death. Love IS pain, often. Love causes so much pain. I don't mind pain, matter of fact I kinda like it. Ever since I last got to see her, I was even more exhilarated, after she had to go *sniffle* I felt so much hope that I ran outside in the night splendor, above the stars probably right at the minute I was born, too, and I fleetingly ran through the grass, I felt like I was flying, that they were not feet but that I was flying through the air and the sky and it was the most beautiful sky I had ever seen. I wondered if it was in the stars that I would fall in love with her, destined to love her forever. I sang, I sang my heart out, but my heart did not leave, it stayed, beats rapturously on still. But, I do not even own my heart. She does. And it beats like the drums of an ancient, wild, passion induced rythm that goes on and on just for her. I haven't even been able to sleep. Seven or eight o' clock in the morning when I lay down, I finally fall into a sleep, and wake up five hours later, only to still have boundless energy, to have my heart beating loud as thunder, wake up with my face and body entirely warm no matter the temperature. It's as if I am running on nothing but love, and love will not let me run on anything else but it. I try to keep myself preoccupied, so I don't muse and daydream, it makes it so much worse at night but the whole day for four days straight now I have left the hose the whole day skating and listening to t.A.T.u, the only thing that helps me release some of these intense emotions, I might burst without t.A.T.u and singing their songs!And I don't hurt one bit. I gored my knee terribly on the sidewalk (or so that's what my grandma says) but I hardly felt it, I got back up, concerned about my cd player working, and then sang all the way home, got a knee brace to cover it and that was that. It did bleed a lot I guess,. it dripped all down my leg. I feel at times like I can take on the world, my physical zeal reaching amazing levels, absolutely invincible physical strength, the blood runs through me from my heart like a wildfire, and my face has colored beautifully, smoothly and extremely hot at all times. The only thing I really6 can do is drink water, it is rather blissful after being boiling inside, so hot blooded, an then skating the whole day away, the first thing I go to is water. I drink about two bottles every time I return to this house, yes house, not my home, my home is in her arms. *stomach flutters more* My stomach feels like it is filled with some hugely sweet fluffy substance, and it flutters every time I think of her, any time I give myself time to think, and I picture holding her, kissing her, breathing her entire essence in, and though my physical endurance and strength is now incomparable, like a steel shell to the outside, my insides feel like swirling pools of love and emotion. Pain, bliss, ah it so EXTREME, I feel choked up in the throat, and when my stomach flutters and my face radiates heat, my entire spine shivers like the coldest place in the world struck through it, leaving shocks and jolts through my body making it even more physically stimulated, invincible, PAINLESS. And the feeling inside are so extreme, I feel so light, light like helium or the lightest gas of the light, and I can't help but skate wildly, voraciously while singing, trying to sing my entire heart out, but it fils and fills and brims to the edge of my throat. And then when I can no longer skate, when it gets about three in the morning and people start to get weird out at night, I walk restlessly through the night, the glorious intense night, almost as intense as my love, and I sing to the night and the beautiful hue of space and the stars, not able to go as far away as I did during the day, but stimulated by the natural supernatural powers of the night that much more and restlessly paint portraits, write poems, now I am using the blog, sing, burst like a phoenix in flames but the love renews and renews forever and I radiate with love, love is SO MUCH. I know it's wrong, forbidden, but I can't help it. Since my birthday, I feel as if forever has passed. I want to see her again so bad, and that is the intense pain, the rapturous pain and desire, pain with so much pleasure, right on the edge of death. I would die for her. I know she does not love me, it makes the pain so much more unbearable, the desire to tell her so intense but somehow I can't, the fleeting feeling makes my stomach flutter even more. Absolutely like there are butterflies or winged things flying through my body, that want to reach the clouds, beyond any boundaries, just as my love is boundless, without any boundaries. If I could just stay in her arms forever and ever and ever I would never regret it. I must refrain froim going to t.A.T.u sites, not because they're bad, they are the best and I love them, and that is the problem. They fill me with even more desire for her, the someone just for me. I see Yulia and Lena so happy, and it fills me with even more intense feelings, desire for her, because if they can be so happy, I want to be too. But it is their music that helps me cope. The lyrics that talk about how hard it is to tell someone you love them, how much you want someone, the true pain and beauty of love, the fleeting above the clouds feeling, and it repeats in my mind as I continue to skate, move on with no physical pain,invincibility even, but in my heart so much more intense and painful and blissful...so hard to describe! ---and I'm all mixed up feeling cornered and rushed, they says it's my fault but I want her so much... those were some of t.A.T.u's lyrics. I can't find the CD case right now, it's just gone so I am frustrated about that.And then I daydream some more, and have to express it, and I have daydreams that I can be granted a wish and my wish would be to have infinite wishes that all had the effects I absolutely wanted, not them trick ones where you don't specify exactly what you want in words and they don't turn out right, those are just crappy. And I would wish for her to love me, I know it sounds wrong to make her fall in love with me, but I don't see myself getting my wish anytime soon so I can dream.And I wish so bad that she would love me, how could she ever love me though...does she hide her feelings? For now all I can do is dream and I want to see her so bad, the pain becomes more intense each day I don't see her...it feels like forever... |