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By angieubaldo Date: 2003 Sep 10 Comment on this Work [[2003.09.10.16.26.25080]] |
| You look at me like a precious so grateful to be found. You found me. When you look at me you see the person I once was. The person before I was broken chiseled down to what I have become, the product of my environment dominated by testosterone, and shit I don't fucking understand. You look at me and you truly see who I am, beneath the exterior of someone who is so transparent she doesn't even know who she is. Only who she was and how much it hurt to love with all you have, all you are, and not be loved back, how much it hurts when you are sitting in a emergency room waiting for the blood to stop flowing, how much it hurt to lie on my bathroom floor and feel the tile against my cheek and the tears falling down.. If it even was love. I will never know. I look away. I can't look you in the eyes. My guilty conscious makes me feel like a leaper and I feel the guilt and sorrow gather in my spine, and the heat rises until I exhale. The way you feel when you know everyone in the room is staring at you, and you don't want them to know what you are thinking. Instead I look down at the ground, I say nothing. Waiting for some sound to break this screaming silence. Nothing I can say or do, can possibly make this situation any better, any easier. I am so heartless, I can't think, I can't feel. I am scared if I do, I will break, and I will crumble. Obliviousness is the key. Be completely heartless, you will never get hurt. No one will break your heart if you don't let them in. Even though I have been broken a long time now, I guesss it's hard to go below rock bottom, but I hit there tonight. Fell flat on my as.. It's easy to wear the façade of someone who is completely normal even though you are so fucked up in the head, everyday you wake up and wonder what the fuck you are doing but you wear a smile, and put on mary kay makeup to mask the beast that lies beneath. I will never change. I will never be the mommy, the good girl, the image of chastity. I make people want to sin, mommies think I am a whore. I deserve to be alone, until I can learn to love someone, until I can overcome the fear, that the past will repeat itself. Not all guys are the same, I know this is true, but not all girls are the same, and saying I love you is something I have said, many many times, buts its something that is really hard for me to believe. Maybe I can't believe that someone could love me, because people have said it to me before, and ended up ripping out my heart and handing it back to me on a silver platter. Maybe I can't believe it because I don't love myself. I guess I have some serious issues. Caught between the black and the white. Stuck in a grey zone, with no place to call my home. It's easier to be a whore with no morals, then to be good, and love and cry yourself to sleep every night and be laughed at. I tried being good and I didn't work out, so I be alone. Maybe one day I will overcome my fear and I will learn to love, but tonight, my only comfort comes in my computer and writing fucked up shit in my journal. Crying about how bad and how hard it is to be me, when my life is great. I am such an ungrateful piece of shit, my mom was right. And he was right when he told me I was crazy. Sorry I hurt you, sorry I kissed you and gave you a taste of what I once was, I am not that person you envisioned me to be. I don't know who I am, but I caution you, stay as far away from me as you can, or my shit will rub off on you. Maybe I am a masochist, the pain feeds me, I won't let myself be happy because pain is all I have ever known. It reminds me I am still alive, that there is a person underneath it all. |