COMMUNICATE

Just when you think you are taking charge in a situation, or coming to some conclusion, life has a way of giving you a backhand you don't expect. Death reared its ugly head for me, but took him instead. It really hurt to lose my husband. Pushing away, we'd mentioned divorce as so many others around us had done.

We'd weathered so much over the years. While we had a great many similar interests, and others saw us as a cute couple or great partner, there was always something missing. I never realized what that was until the love of my life came along after his loss. That never would have been possible without the death of my husband because I was never willing to complicate my life and look further after saying that "til death do us part" stuff.

My husband and I tried, we fumbled, and I had too many unanswered questions with him. I had too much time wondering what it was that wasn't quite right. I was so straight-forward with everyone else, but couldn't get what I needed in answers from him as to why something didn't quite click with us. We shut-up and let it ride.

That ride might as well have been on the River Styxx for all the unhappiness it caused. There is a real fear in getting off and going elsewhere. The situation makes one not trust any other options. We had not learned that parting can be an opportunity for something better. Although it never happens, we want to stick around until the partner is "better" by some definition.

As far as real communication, I think now that we were both aware that this would rock and eventually tip the boat and we'd move on. We didn't want to screw-up the friendship, interesting times, and what fun we had managed together. And, instead of finding ways to talk about keeping that friendship and move on, we kept quiet. I didn't talk about us much to others. I was busy with family, businesses, health, bills and other issues.

But as passion ebbed in love, so did the desires in the rest of my life. I know it did in his. We went on automatic. I took some joy in helping others. He lapsed into chronic depression. He seemed to cling to the joy he saw left in me, and I couldn't help him climb out of the depression. By staying together, we were both becoming chronic losers as far as the joy of a full life and love.

There are lessons here that I've continued to learn the finer points of along the way. While it hurt intensely to lose someone I cared about very much, I don't have regrets from this past history. I didn't know then what I know now for one very basic reason. There was no way I could have until real chemistry, passion and love came into my life. What I do have is more than I ever expected out of life now in a real life partner. I have communication, real sharing and recognize real love that is far more than I ever imagined.

Corny as it may sound, I don't regret the past, or the time it took to get here, because it kept me where I could be found when the timing was right. I don't regret the lessons I learned because of the rewards I reap now from paying attention to my own needs. There may be one special someone out there to fill our needs, or several. I am just glad that I let myself be human and fill my own needs with someone who needed the same.

None of this would have been possible had we tried to make the other a mind-reader. Valentine's Day is a good time to express feelings. There is safety in numbers with others taking the plunge and risking a love line or two--no? Be human, be tough, be bold, be fragile, be willing...communicate.