|
By darwin Date: 2004 Feb 17 Comment on this Work [[2004.02.17.13.37.15729]] |
| i can't sleep. mostly. i think i can fade in and out sometimes, when the night just closes in and my eyes have to close. but i wake usually 15 minutes later. i can hear your even breathing next to me and I look over at you, your eyes closed your mouth open half an inch. i feel this envy. your ability to fall asleep when your head hits the pillow, when for my entire life I've been fraught with insomnia and sleepless nights. the hours pass more quickly when it's dark. the tossing and turning seemingly seconds long, when hours in reality. the memories and thoughts more vivid when nothing is there to leash them in. i want to reach out and touch you, hold on to you so i don't drown. they threaten that sometimes to overwhelm and cave in on me. i pray that they go away one day, these memories that i wish were gone. i pray in my car, i pray in the bathroom, while walking snowfilled sidewalks. it doesn't matter. I see their faces, i feel their traces they are there. like dirt that has etched itself into my skin, this tattoo of life filling my pores. perhaps if i burned myself they would leave, they would be erased. i remember them naked, looming over me as this black shadow. i can't remember all of their names, but i remember how there wasn't a single caress amongst them. not a single endearing touch, just the tears after when I would say it was okay for them to leave if they wanted to. but part of me still wants that, some barren part of me that seeks that carnal knowledge. that place where i could say what i wanted to these men cause they would leave and I would never see them again. but then i reach out and come back to you, i touch your skin, the warmth radiated onto the sheets, my body....my life. |