"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up." -- Barbara Bush

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." -- Rita Rudner

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." -- Ann Landers

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." -- Mickey Rooney

"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage." -- Ambrose Bierce

"In married life, three is company, and two, none." -- Oscar Wilde

"Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure." -- Oscar Wilde

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it." -- Helen Roland

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring." -- Emo Phillips

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." -- Duane Dewel

"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment." -- Alan Bennett

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!" -- Groucho Marx

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." -- Ambrose Bierce

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." -- Woody Allen

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -- Groucho Marx

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." -- Tony Curtis

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." -- Woody Allen

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." -- Jackie Mason

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." -- Leonardo Di Vinci

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern." -- Mickey Rooney

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money." -- Johnny Carson

"I married beneath me. All women do." -- Lady Nancy Astor

"I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married." -- Lewis Grizzard

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." -- Ambrose Bierce
insanity is the same mistake repeated over and over again!!

"All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage." -- Lord Byron

"I am about to be married, and am of course in all the misery of a man in pursuit of happiness." -- Lord Byron

"Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it." -- Mark Twain

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too late." -- Max Kauffman

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." -- Montaigne

"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." -- Napolean Bonaparte

"I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again." -- Noel Coward

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde

"Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat." -- Oscar Wilde

"Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse." -- P. G. Wodehouse

"All marriages are happy it's living together afterwards that causes all the problems." -- Raymond Hull

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner

"I've taken my fun where I've found it,
An' now I must pay for my fun,
For the more you 'ave known o' the others
The less will you settle to one." -- Rudyard Kipling

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher." -- Socrates

"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl." -- Stephen B. Leacock

"I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck." -- W.C Fields

"Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one." -- W.C. Fields

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