"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up." -- Barbara Bush
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." -- Rita Rudner
"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." -- Ann Landers
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard
"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." -- Mickey Rooney
"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage." -- Ambrose Bierce
"In married life, three is company, and two, none." -- Oscar Wilde
"Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure." -- Oscar Wilde
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams
"Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it." -- Helen Roland
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring." -- Emo Phillips
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." -- Duane Dewel
"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment." -- Alan Bennett
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!" -- Groucho Marx
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." -- Ambrose Bierce
"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." -- Woody Allen
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -- Groucho Marx
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." -- Tony Curtis
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." -- Woody Allen
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." -- Jackie Mason
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." -- Leonardo Di Vinci
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern." -- Mickey Rooney
"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money." -- Johnny Carson
"I married beneath me. All women do." -- Lady Nancy Astor
"I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married." -- Lewis Grizzard