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By angieubaldo Date: 2004 Jun 18 Comment on this Work [[2004.06.18.10.14.19876]] |
| So tonight is Friday. I decided to escape the drunken debauchery downtown, stay home, and watch movies. Without drinking. It just made me feel even more alone. Then I remembered why I drink in the first place. Why I partake in the game people so lovingly play here. It an escape from the reality that I am completely alone in this world. Sometimes I feel I am destined to be alone forever. I know I am 23, I am still young, but it just seems hopeless sometimes, and my bed feels so lonely. I miss having someone to kiss at night, to spoon me, to love me. Even if all the men in my past have been just there to play the warm body role, and maybe they did not love me, and maybe I did not love them. I just miss having that. I miss having someone. I have not felt, really felt alone in a long time. I always masked it with a fake smile and too many Jell-O shots. But now, tonight, this moment, I feel completely alone. It is a bit refreshing, and a bit encouraging. It reminds me that after my past, after all the men I have known, all the empty nights, I am still capable of loving, of wanting, of needing. I am not dead after all. I am not self-sufficient. After being a hunter for so many years, suddenly I crave to be the prey. |