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By Corinna Date: 2004 Jun 30 Comment on this Work [[2004.06.30.17.03.8341]] |
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I don't know what is going on here. I was just learning how to be independent, something I've never been really good at. I've always been the type who constantly needs somebody around them. I finally realized that I don't need anyone; I just need to live a fuller life for myself. So I joined a gym and started doing things on my own. I also took into consideration that by going out with friends hoping to meet my "prince charming" I would never find him. But if I just went out had a good time and didn't worry about being with someone, maybe they would come to me. So that's what I decided to do. And then you came along. I didn't really pay attention to you at first, but then something caught me. You said not a word to me until I made the attempt to talk to you. To my surprise, we hit it off. I told myself to just go with the flow and have fun. I'm not ready to go through the emotional rollercoaster again quite yet. After a 4 month span of mending the last broken heart, I don't think it would be a good idea. I made a promise to myself to do things differently this time. I told myself that I would not make the same mistakes that I have made in the past with other lovers. "Don't call him; he'll call you if he's interested. Don't get too attached. Just have fun with it, go with the flow." I had all intentions of doing these things, but it seems it's not so easy and I'm starting to slip. In the process of trying not to screw things up with you and in an effort to protect myself and my feelings, I find that I'm not BEING myself. I'm trying so hard not to make the same mistakes and analyzing every single situation that I could possibly mess this one up too. See the problem is that I'm developing these feelings that I don't want to have because I'm not sure what your intentions are. I don't want to let my guard down completely only to find out that you'll be gone in a week or even a day. But on the other hand, what if you do want something to come of this? If I don't let my guard down I may never know and you'll think I'm not on the same page and I may lose you anyway. The times that you and I spend together are so different than my times with other men. You make me feel good inside, beautiful, wanted. You take me places and show me affection in public. No other man has done that. Maybe you really do feel something for me. Maybe I should stop over-analyzing everything and go with the flow. But what if it is all a game? There's only one way to find out and that is to just go with it. Go with what my gut feels. Follow what I feel is right. And if something is meant to come of this it will. All I know is that I think I could really get used to this; you and me. But I'm not going to tell you that. Not yet, at least. And I also won't tell you that I want you to miss me tomorrow and I hope you think about me all day today. And if this doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be. And I will take two or three more months out of my life to try and get over yet another man. I will beat my head against the wall wondering what happened and why I didn't see it coming. And I will kick myself in the ass for making the same mistakes over and over. Once I'm done wallowing in my self-pity, I will calmly sit back and think about all the good times we had and the way you made me feel and find myself just being glad that I met you. And I hope deep down inside that you will miss me tomorrow. 6.17.04 |