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By Misti Date: 2004 Jul 17 Comment on this Work [[2004.07.17.17.12.29513]] |
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SCENE 1 Cincinatti: There's the guy who owns that new candy shop on the boardwalk. He's hot, huh? Dolphin: Yes, he is. I'd like to eat his candy. Cincinatti: Dolphin, you are so bad. But I've got dibs. I bought a pound of Jolly Ranchers from him last night. Dolphin: That doesn't mean anything. I'm probably more his type, anyway. Cincinatti: We'll see about that. Hey, remember me from last night? Dennis: No. Oh...you came into The Sweet Shark Tooth and bought some candy, didn't you? Cincinatti: I bought a pound of Jolly Ranchers. I love to suck on candy. I have this oral fixation thing. Dennis: I have one of those myself. Cincinatti: I'm Cincinatti Jagger. This is my twin sister, Dolphin. Dennis: Nice to meet you both. I'm Dennis Johnson. Dolphin: Hi. Dennis: Hi. You're twins? Dolphin: Yes. Not identical. Dennis: I can see that. You're two different races, though, so I'm wondering how that's possible. Cincinatti: We didn't come from the same uterus. We came from the same sperm. Well, not the exact same sperm but the same sperm manufacturer. We have the same dad but different moms. We were born on the same day, five minutes apart. We feel like we're cosmic twins. Dennis: Wow, what are the odds? Your dad is a player. He knocked up two women on the same day. Have you ever been on "Jerry Springer"? Cincinatti: Uh...no. Why would we go on that stupid show? We aren't trailer trash. Dolphin: Really. And as a matter of fact, Daddy is not a player. He owns a bakery. It's right next door to your candy shop. Dennis: Oh, your dad owns The Purple Pie? Cincinatti: Yeah. You don't know the whole story so you shouldn't assume. Do you want to hear how it went down? Dennis: I guess. Dolphin: What do you mean, you guess? Don't you care? Dennis: Of course I care. Lay it on me. Cincinatti: Okay. It's like this. Our dad, Steve Jagger, owner of The Purple Pie, the best damn bakery in Southern California, was in love with my mom. A beautiful black woman named LaShonda Carlin. Daddy proposed to Mom on their first date. This was after they had sex and I was conceived. Mom wasn't too impressed with Daddy so she turned him down. Daddy proceeded to get drunk on cheap champagne and vodka spiked Hawaiian Punch. He told her that if she wouldn't marry him he'd find a woman who would. Daddy left Mom's apartment and walked to the bowling alley. That's where he found Dolphin's mom, Charity. She was drinking alone at the bar. They went home together and conceived Dolphin. Dolphin: But my mom wouldn't marry Daddy, either. So he was pretty bummed out. Mom collects dolphins. That's how I got my name. Dennis: Wow. All I can say is...wow. Cincinatti: Mom moved to Ohio to get away from Daddy. He kept calling her and sending her pies. I was born in Cincinatti. That's how I got my name. Dolphin: I've always lived here in San Diego. Daddy has always been a part of my life. He buys things for me. Cincinatti: He buys things for me, too. I moved here when I was eighteen, right after Mom told me who my daddy was. When I met Daddy he said,"Oh, by the way, you have a twin sister. Not an identical twin, but a cosmic twin." Me and Dolphin have been inseparable ever since. Cincinatti: So tell us how you came into existence on this magical planet. Dennis: The normal way. My dad knocked up my mom when she was fifteen and he was thirty. He had a choice. He could marry my mom or be chopped into tiny pieces and fed to the sharks by her father. So they got married and divorced after my grandfather died of salmonella. Cincinatti: Do you have a girlfriend? Dennis: No. Dolphin: Do you want one? Dennis: Not at all. I'm gay, actually. Dolphin: Right. I've heard that one before. Cincinatti: Are you sure? You don't look or sound gay. You don't give off that gay vibe. Dennis: I've known I was gay since I was four years old and went to my first rock concert. Guess who I saw? Dolphin: Elton John? Dennis: No. Cincinatti: Cher? Dennis: No. Dolphin: Madonna? Dennis: No. Cincinatti: The Human League? Dennis: No. Dolphin: Wham? Dennis: No. Cincinatti: Duran Duran? Dennis: No. Dolphin: New Kids on the Block? Dennis: No. Cincinatti: The suspense is killing me. I don't know why I even care at this point. Dennis: When I was four years old my aunt Vicki took me to Anaheim to see Rod Stewart. As Rod strutted around the stage in his leopard print spandex asking the age old question,"Do ya think I'm sexy?"--my answer was a resounding yes. I didn't even know what sex was, but I knew I wanted to have it with Rod. [silence.] Dolphin: I think I'll head over to the bakery and check on Daddy. Cincinatti: I'm right behind you. Dennis: It was good talking to you, girls. Sorry I couldn't help you out. Dolphin: Oh, well. It's not your fault. Cincinatti: It isn't your mom's or dad's fault, either. You were just born that way. |