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By darwin Date: 2004 Aug 23 Comment on this Work [[2004.08.23.14.04.13574]] |
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i ran into an old boyfriend on saturday. my husband had found a cat wandering around his work, and i took it to the humane society. as i was pulling in i was thinking about a guy I once went on a date with, first date, to the humane society. then i got out of my car, and as i'm going in, he's going out. i had dated him 2 summers ago. i met my husband a month after him. he was neurotic, in a paranoid needing two condoms kinda way. but he was in school and when school began, i went out. there wasn't any time left for me. he once told me too, that it takes him months to fall in love with someone. I remember thinking that I don't want it to take months for someone to fall in love with me. I want it to be instantaneous. i never loved him though. we were together 3 months. then he tells me on saturday that he is engaged and getting a dog. two things he never would have thought of doing with me. though obviously i wouldn't have ever thought of doing them with him either. and seeing him made me sad. in a way I don't understand yet. maybe it was all the men that left me for no reason. i'm sure there were reasons, but obviously when so many men go away after a while. sometimes you begin to deal with abandonment issues. and he brought that back. I was paranoid at first with my husband too, when was he going to go away? because i thought, and still think...that everyone and everything goes away eventually. but then i kept thinking the longer he stays the better. a month, two months...and finally once we hit the year. I stopped thinking about it, even though we were already married. i had set a certain mark in my head that if we made it past a year that we would be okay. so i was as equally neurotic, in a two condom kinda way. i never enjoyed sex with him. his penis was long and skinny. and he always insisted on using two condoms. he didn't want a baby. even though i told him repeatedly that i couldn't have children. but he could play a mean game of pool. so i don't know why he made me sad. it's not like he got away. it's not like i wanted to hold onto him. but he probably represented a time when I didn't have any stability and when someone is around for a few months, that is at least a semblence of stability. i still don't know.... and i'll just keep guessing why it made me sad. and i wonder if he wears two condoms with her. |