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By callaphair Date: 2004 Oct 10 Comment on this Work [[2004.10.10.08.35.19591]] |
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It is my fifth night in New York, Classes start tomorrow I don't know anyone here I am all alone I am trying to be brave And not to be scared But I am I don't know what it is about you I don't know why I can't get you out of my head And I don't know why I am sitting here, watching old Audrey Hepburn movies, torturing myself All I ever wanted was to love, and to be loved in return And I really wanted you to be the person to love me But, I know I will never get that I secretly wish you would call me, and profess your undying love... But I know you won't, for two reasons The first, the obvious, is because you don't love me, you don't even like me The second, I only know because I know you, is because you are too damned stubborn to tell me anything, much less anything emotional, or meaningful, or anything that I would ever want to hear... I secretly wish you would call and say that you are coming to visit And then I would have our visit planned out, filled with tourist traps and shows, and maybe a glimpse of what my life is like, where I have classes, the restaurants I have been to, and I would have it all planned, to the hour, even though I know we would just spend the entire week in bed, barely leaving the studio apartment I pay way too much for... But I know you aren't coming, I know we will never see a show, I couldn't get you to go to one in Milwaukee, why would I think that you would come 1,000 miles to see one here... I received a dozen roses on Thursday Six Red Six White No Card And even though I knew in my head that they weren't from you, there was an aching in my heart wanting them to be from you I dream of you It has been two solid weeks since I haven't And every morning, I yell at myself for hoping and wishing and dreaming that you cared about me, that you want me to be a part of your life, because I know that it will only end in my heart breaking again, and my tear stained pillow is saturated, and is no longer capable of absorbing another night of pain So I sit in my apartment, above the jazz bar, listening to others play out their sorrows and I sit here and wallow in mine I never should have started seeing you again. The end should have been the end, but each time we started seeing each other again, the glimmer of hope overtook my sense of reason Even though you claimed to care for me, and even though you told me that I made you happy, and even though I thought you were sincere, I know you were not. And maybe, I think I always knew that. I think that I let myself believe in the fairytale, that the person I loved would somehow learn to love me So now what I want is for you to tell me that you don't love me. That you don't like me, and that you never have. Hurt me. And hurt me a lot. Force me to get over you. Tell me you have been screwing my best friend; tell me that I mean nothing to you, and that I have never meant anything to you; tell me anything that will shock me and insult me and make me wish we never kissed. Break my heart in a million pieces: because until you do this, I will always be looking for the mere hint of a flame, for a golden ember that may be hiding in the back of my mind How foolish and naïve I was, and perhaps I still am. No, I know I still am, because in my dreams every night, there you are, being overly romantic and trying to win my heart. Except, you have already won And once again, I have lost. |