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By wistful Date: 2004 Nov 08 Comment on this Work [[2004.11.08.00.40.27027]] |
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I've come to a decision. I've decided that as much as I love you, and as much you may have loved me, I cannot stay in relationship with you. You cannot know how hard this is to write. I wanted to wait and see how I felt later, giving myself time and space for myself. I now realize that all I was doing was waiting. Waiting to see what you'd do with this time, waiting to make changes in my own life that I could share with you when we once more came together, even just as friends. I just finished reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love", and in spite of the one-sided, trite title, I found I recognized you, and myself in this book. And in my heart-of-hearts, I agree with the advice it gives, to totally separate from the man who hurts me in this way, and that even friendship can tie me too close to an "if only" past, rather than a future of more realistic possibilities. I feel so incredibly guilty, that I promised you an attempt at friendship, and I cannot live up to that promise. I can barely see the screen through my tears. I really wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you can find the love and intimacy you seek, as I hope this for myself. I'd suggest you read the book too, if only to recognize all the ways you may be sabotaging your own goals, and why you may never be able to resolve this issue without professional help, no matter how far you may have come on your own, up to this point. As for me, I will accept the responsibility for my own part in the relationship, and its failure. But I must also accept that I cannot keep everyone I love near me, especially when I see the potential of that relationship hurting me more than lifting me up. I must be selfish in this, and I must live with the guilt that this selfish behavior engenders. How I long to see you again, to tell you this in person, to share one more intimate moment with you, even if it is a moment of ending. But this would not help either of us, so I send you this message instead. The biggest lesson I've learned this year is to recognize my own weaknesses, and to deal with them directly, rather than hoping I can eliminate them. And the most direct way to address my weakness around you is to let you go completely. I'm so very sorry, but I am determined in this. The way you can most honor my love for you is to let me go too. I will think of you only with fondness and gratitude if you do. An ending of strength, in a relationship that cycled through passion/love and fear/anxiety in equal amounts. God, it is hard to end this message to you, and to send it. Goodbye. |