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By ThoughtFull Date: 2004 Nov 30 Comment on this Work [[2004.11.30.21.02.16203]] |
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I sign my married name to the acceptance form almost hysterical at the irony, but fearful that this sheriff might lock me away if I show too many emotions in the ten minutes it takes to respond to the end of my marriage. Documents and labels have filed my heart under many definitions this year: "Marriage Certificate" equals happily ever after wedded bliss organizing new dishes and writing thank you notes while "Summons for Annulment/Divorce" equals single woman with new apartment, very few groceries, in need of cat to complete the pathetic stereotype that I will have to revel in. The tiny details gnaw at me more than even the larger than life presence of this sheriff who must glimpse so many weak moments in so many strangers lives. Why do I feel guilty for burdening him with the discomfort of my tears? If I could fully grasp the embittered man hater heart the divorcee role entitles me to, I would blame him for bearing a Y chromosome which equals mysoginistic snake lying in wait for prey. Officer equals small penis on a power trip who expects woman to cry and/or flirt their way out of traffic tickets. But its not his fault. His discomfort could indicate distant empathy as much. Details, yes, like a slim pale circle where there once was a ring. People complimented my ring and engagement equals sweet girl in love and "when is the wedding?" and a dozen other polite questions that women every where are thrilled to ask and answer. Details like holidays looming in the not so distant future, parties to attend alone and gifts anticipated early to return. "Was there something wrong ma'am?" Should I break down hysterical and tell her "Apparently so as my marriage has ended..." and watch her try to maintain her Merry Christmas retail smile as she struggles to figure out what catergory this return would fall under "Problem with Fit"? "Gift/Didn't Like?" I could reassure her I am not sure where I fit now either but then I will glimpse her own hopeful girl ring and the hysterical spiral will begin again. |