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By J. Knipp Date: 2004 Dec 05 Comment on this Work [[2004.12.05.03.28.1520]] |
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"So why did you decide to come here?" "Well I am not doing so well in my classes..." "Ok. Why do you think that is?" "Well I think its partly motivation you know. Isn't there something you can give me? To maybe pep me up..." "Well before we get to that, let's figure out why you're not motivated. I know taking something sounds like the quickest solution but it's not always the best one. So tell me why do you think you are unmotivated?" "Things have been a little.... Hectic lately. I just moved out and then my roommate fell through so I had to move again. It's been a strain." "So you think this is the reason why you haven't been performing well lately?" "I guess..." "I have been doing this for a long time now, Mr. Bensley and I am pretty good at picking out which cup has the nut under it." "Heh, You're right, No use for sleight of hand with you I guess. (pause) So, I have been getting these bouts of intense emotion lately... Like at work sometimes... I will be sitting there and then I swear it feels like a geyser in me.... Like Pow! This overwhelming burst of sadness." "And does this happen a lot?" "Maybe twice a week. It usually happens if I am distracted and my mind wanders, then it comes on." "So where is your mind wandering too" (long pause) "It's more like who is it wandering to. You see I broke up with this girl some months back." "Ah, was it a serious relationship?" "3 years, yeah." "I see." "And we don't talk anymore, we don't even so much has have real contact anymore." "Hmm that is usually the best way to move on" "Yeah you'd think that. But you see my mind, it's like snagged. You know I don't think about her all the time anymore at least. But then there will be something to remind me. God, there are so many things to remind me: a song, or a painting, or even a type food or certain phrase. And then it will be like an attack. Like a force of longing just slamming into me. And I have to just stop what I am doing for a moment. (pause) But other times, it's like this low throb like... this irritating pit in your stomach. It's not intense or overpowering it's subtle things you know? Like everything has this hint of gray to it and everything is slowed down and stupid like I am in a 1950's sitcom for idiots" "That's normal. Everyone has a hard time moving on. Give it a few more months and it wont be so bad. Meanwhile you should find things to distract yourself with... Maybe someone to distract you." "I try. I try going out to clubs. I try drinking myself to the point of delirium. It feels empty and pointless. I try other people... and they seem empty and pointless too. (pause) I just feel like I am being abnormal you know? Like I got attached more tightly than I should have. And at the same time I think maybe there is some sort of relief in all this sadness 'cause I was so firmly bound to her, and its healthier this way. Like I was someone how forgetting who *I* was with her. Are you sure you can't just give me something? You know to wipe my brain. I was reading about Prozac, people were saying that they were a different person after they took it, like something in them was lost. I think I need that. I need to be someone else--to lose a part of me. It would just be easier that way. I want to be shallow and heartless and cold. I want to revel in debasement. I just don't want to hurt anymore..." |