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By darwin Date: 2005 Apr 08 Comment on this Work [[2005.04.08.13.43.1146]] |
| i was watching the pope this morning, his funeral, and i don't even believe. but there was something about this man who could draw millions of people, and i can't tell you why, but i had tears in my eyes. i feigned that allergies were coming with the spring, but truly, there was this deep resounding sense of loss in me. that what is it that could draw all these people to one man, but we can't even say hello to a stranger who passes us on the street. why is it that our televisions can watch this man for hours, but we can't contemplate how to drive without getting flipped off by someone? but i felt this despair in me, this hollowed out aching despair, that kept up for a few hours this morning. and i thought of history and history and history and how beautiful the past seems. how gorgeous the time of louis XV in france. voltaire, and versaille, enlightment. how once religion sent us across the globe trekking in its name, and i feel at a loss. i remember from college when studying history, i believe it was louis XV who said, "apres nous les deluge". after me, the deluge.. and every so often I think of that. after me it will fade, after me it will fall, after the pope now it will fall. will it? will it fall? that the world can love someone they know nothing about? will the world fall because we can't love each other, only images? Will the world fall because we can't even discipline our children anymore? maybe it won't fall. maybe it will stay the same, and someday we can say that we love our neighbors more then we do someone in a magazine. maybe one day we'll teach each other, rather then clawing at our quirks behind closed doors and backs. maybe i cried because i don't know where to go from here anymore. and i have come to a point that either i have to make a choice to go on with life, and realize that things have happened and i need to deal with them, live and learn and go on. let it go. i need to just let it all go. i need to sit and realize that life will deal you crap no matter what, that we aren't going to all be popes, and we aren't all going to be loved. if anything, we are lucky if we have found that one person who will accept us as well are, and love us despite our flaws. and i have. i have found someone who knows that i used to fuck people just to feel love for a few minutes. i used to go between lovers, so i could fool myself into thinking that i was wanted. all a person wants is to be needed. i am needed, i am needed by him to breath in my morning. i cannot sleep without him by my side. and the idea of him ever being taken away from me, to live my life without him, takes my breath away. he is my skin, my soul, my very life. i don't want to know about those roads i would have gone down without him. i don't want to wonder who i would be today. because i know without him, the only thing i have ever comitted to in my life, i would be wounded. i would have a wound inside of me, bleeding torrents, rivers, and flooding me. i know he is reading this as well. and when he reads it he will cry, and call me and tell me how much he loves me. and that is my oxygen. |