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By Irongirl Submitted by Irongirl Date: 2005 May 31 Comment on this Work [[2005.05.31.23.41.9321]] |
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Ted (Turbo), I needed to write this down because I don't want to miss a thing. I'll end up talking with you tonight and much of this will be said then, but it's too important to let anything slip by, at least to me. This is it. This is the last time we are going to talk. I really don't know if you'll be able to comprehend my conviction, but in case not, you'll have this letter for a time when you can let it sink in. .....let me back up a little bit..... I love you. In every single sense of the word. I've never loved anyone the way that I have you for all these years. What you were for me and to me back in high school and college, and even beyond has been such an important part of my life and I thank you endlessly for providing the love that you did and the passion you showed back then. Thank you for being an ear to listen and a support system for all my life's endeavors. I could try for weeks to explain how deeply rooted you are in my soul, but it would never seem enough. Without you, I would not be where I am today, because without you, I wouldn't have had at least one person in my life that showed me love no matter the situation. And for years that has sustained me. But I no longer want to live on the crumbs it has become. Because that is all it can ever be and I know that I want more from my life, but have to give up what is holding me back before I can move forward. That visit was vital in progressing to this place. And I'm sure you did me a favor by holding back in your passion towards me, in revealing little of yourself with your words and actions. I might not have been able to do this if you had shown more. But then again, if you had, it would have been true that you did still love me from that same spot we left off years ago. And while I believe that you love me now, it's a different love. Your words are hollow when you say them. There is nothing behind your eyes that is looking into me without fear. It's not about making me happy and me making you happy. It's become a lopsided love and those can't ever last. I'm sorry that I hurt you years ago. I can still remember seeing you right after we broke up outside your grandma's place and you were so incredibly hurt. I wish every day I could go back an erase that pain that I caused. You deserved more than that at the time and still do. I've often thought of that time and how I want to go back as myself now and let you know that it was temporary and I would eventually grow up. But I also think that I've suffered that same pain for 13+ years. I do feel like we are at the very least even now and have been for some time. Not that this was a contest, but I am sure you had some pain to inflict back on me whether you knew it or not. But I'm done....I cry Uncle. I can't take this pain anymore, not because it's overwhelming, but rather because it's not a pain that carries any promise or hope. It's this big weight that I've gotten very strong lugging around, but my destination has gone from "off in the distance" to non existent. And I want to put it down. I want to be free to love someone else because I know that I can and will with everything our passion had years ago and more. Because our relationship had all the things I want now, but we were limited by age and circumstance. Now I look forward to creating it again as an adult with ever increasing and available depth. And the thing of it now is that you are hurting me. And you are hurting Anne. And I'd like to think that Anne is a good person who deserves this no more than I do. And I'd like to think that we would be friends under different circumstances. Or that I would at least respect her enough not to inflict this upon her knowingly. And last time I checked, you were hurting us both. What you do with the pain in your marriage is up to you, but what you do with the pain I'm feeling know, is up to me. If you have this undying and true love for me, then you would be very very involved in my life, very cautious not to cause me pain, and you would do your best to have a happy engaging relationship with me. But it's not what we have anymore. It's not what you have shown me with your short answers in email, the calls when it works with your schedule (when was the last time you stepped out of the office to talk with me or took a call at home?), the lack of emotional preparedness for the day in NY, or the concern with leaving me in limbo when you take off with your family for a weekend. I'm glad we have had these wonderful phone conversations, but then I'm left alone when you go back to your family. And I have a good support system in place here with my friends that has allowed me to step away from what you are offering and say it's not enough. The lack of feeling behind your eyes and words, the abandonment you throw my way when you feel like it without thought to my feelings, and the inability to produce a simple letter letting me know how you feel about me....it's really the simplest things that I ask from you, things that I give from my side. And all the trips to NY with nice meals and walks through the park don't add up to much when you can no longer be close with me. Because being close would force you to look at your current situation and either make peace with leaving your family and being with me, or make peace with letting me go and becoming close with your wife. Where you are now does not allow for you to be close to anyone, and the same holds true for both Anne and I. I can only get as close as you will let me, and for her too. If you are standing in the middle of the bases you have to make a move towards one or the other or you will be tagged out (baseball reference here just for you!). And I know you are not choosing me, so I would rather you make that move back towards her. I'm sorry I slept with you because I shouldn't have, but my gift back to her is that I am letting you go so that she can build something with you that has no baggage. And I want you to be happy as well Turbo! If she is what you want and who you need for your life, then I want you to be in it 100% and not have a slice removed for someone who can't even be a part of your life anymore. If this is the gift that I give you to help heal some of the pain from our break up, then I give it. I admit I want to be the person you need in your life. I want to be the person who has you enthralled and captivated. You'll have the phone call tonight to let me know if I could ever be that person and if you find your desire for me greater than what you currently have, but I also am not holding my breath. And so I have to say goodbye and grieve this loss. Because you will be a very big loss in my life. And I've been crying all day when I get to this part because it's like letting a loved one die. And my 5 year old self tells me not to let go. It's been screaming in that little kid blood curdling cry and I want to run over and grab myself and let me keep you until the hurt goes away again for a while. And I'm sure I'll cry over you many more times in my life and wonder what happened to you along the way. And if I run into you down the line and our lives cross with us at different spots, then I look forward to getting to know you again. But I've got to stop looking for you in a crowd. And I've got to stop looking for you in every person I meet that has potential to create a wonderful relationship with me. I've got to give myself the freedom to love someone else the way we loved each other. I love you Ted. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you, Danielle |