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By corinna Date: 2006 May 12 Comment on this Work [[2006.05.12.10.13.29952]] |
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Why can't I build up enough courage to leave you? I feel like I'm holding onto something that I just can't get a firm grasp on. You don't appreciate me. You don't respect me. I'm never put first before anything else. But yet I'd do anything for you. Anything to keep you happy...pleased. I'll give you a backrub if your in pain. If you're hungry I'll prepare you something to eat. If you are sick, I'll sit by your side and get you whatever you need, without complaint. When you ask me to go some place with you, most of the time I'll go...willingly. Even the times you broke plans with me to get high I still came over and stayed with you, even though I was hurt and resentful. I came because you wanted me to and I thought somehow you would appreciate that. I thought maybe you would think about what I do for you. But when it comes to me I have to give you a backrub in order to receive one. If I'm sick and desire nurturing from you, I have to cross my fingers that you won't blow me off. When I'm hungry I make myself something to eat. I have to initiate cuddling, handholding, etc. And when I want you to come some place with me, no matter where, it's always a struggle. The only time you truly act affectionate or make me feel like you truly want to be with me is when you are high and you're afraid that I'm going to walk out the door and not come back...like I should. This isn't the way a relationship should be. Neither of us should have to beg the other for anything. If we truly want to be together it should just come naturally. We should put each other before the less important things. I find that I'm asking myself way too often lately why I am sticking around. I love you. But soon that love is going to develop into resentment and that resentment into hate. You should just tell me that you don't love me, instead of lying about it. Tell me that you don't want to be with me, instead of faking it. Say that you're never going to change instead of humoring me. But if you DO love me, you DO want to be with me and you want to progress and grow, you need to show me before it is too late. Because everyday that goes by I think more and more about letting go. I'm not sure how much longer I can fight it or fake it. Please just love me or leave me. I'm letting go. |