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By Savannah Haze Date: 2007 Apr 06 Comment on this Work [[2007.04.06.18.36.11960]] |
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"You're incapable of love. All you know how to do is fuck. " Those were the last words he spoke to me. *********************************************************** I was just shy of 19 when we met in the parking lot at a small carnival passing through town. He wasn't what anyone would call handsome, but he was a sum of some very sexy parts. He had his arm around a petite redhead; both of them looked completely disinterested. "Here, take these." Liz pushed a small bottle of Visine into my hand. I pulled my lid down and squeezed two drops into my left eye. Then my right. "Think they'll have any carnie freaks here? That would be pretty cool wouldn't it, Allie?" I thought back to the time Liz and I had gotten high and watched E.T. I'd had to sleep with her that night. She completely went to pieces the first time Gertie and the little alien came face to face. I was pretty sure that she couldn't handle half-horse man or lobster girl. We got in line to buy our tickets. I could hear the screams from the Tilt-a-World. The guy from the parking lot was in front of us. I searched my fuzzy mind for a way to get him to turn around. I needed to say something witty, something that makes strangers turn around to investigate who has spoken. "I think I popped my tampon out when I sneezed in the car." The guy turned around, as did everyone else in the line. I pretended not to know Liz. "Allie, seriously, check the back of my pants." I sneaked a glance at the guy. He was staring at me. His eyes were green and cradled by dark circles. I think he winked at me, but it could be the pot. Liz was bent over now. The mother behind us covered her son’s eyes. "Am I clean?" "Your hair looks fine." Liz shot up at the voice, one much deeper than mine. We both looked at the guy in front of us. "What did you say?" "My mom and sister use it as a code when they were afraid they might have..." He trailed off. "Leaked?" I offered. He laughed. It was a hoarse yet full laugh, the product of years of smoking. His mouth opened wide, revealing nearly perfect teeth. I could smell bourbon on his breath. I wanted his mouth on me. We met later that night after he'd dropped off his date and I'd taken Liz back to campus. I pushed back the guilt and made a right hand turn into the Waffle House parking lot. We never made it inside the diner that night. Four hours later, my face raw from the stubble on his face, I drove back to our dormitory. The red light on my answering machine flashed. You have five new messages. I knew who they were from without listening. *********************************************************** I didn't see him again for six months. I had unfinished stories to write and hearts to break before I could fall in love with him. I looked up his address late one Tuesday night. An hour later I was standing on his doorstep, barefoot and scared to death. We didn't speak until the next morning as I slipped into one of his shirts. The fabric clung to my still damp body. The smoke from his cigarette drifted up to the spinning blades of the ceiling fan. He smiled at me. "This is it, isn’t it?" "I hope so." *********************************************************** We were approaching two years together when I arrived at his apartment one Friday night. My key turned the lock but the door didn't open. The deadbolt was turned. I knocked and waited for him to let me in. I sat down on the steps and opened my cell phone. His recorded voice did little to comfort me. His car was in the parking lot. The lights were on. He never used the dead bolt. I feared the worst. Forty-five minutes later the door opened. I smelled her before I saw her. Mint leaves, Salon Selectives and sex. I didn't even turn around. I stood up and walked, quickly, to my car. I could hear him behind me. "Godammit, Allie, don’t leave like this." I opened my door and slid in behind the wheel. It was then I saw her. A small part of me had hoped it was some random girl, someone who didn't know us, who didn't know our history. Maggie met my eyes, a look of triumph on her face. *********************************************************** It was almost six weeks before I took his phone calls. He promised to be totally honest with me. He told me that he couldn't help it, that I drove him to his infidelity. I was too safe, too vanilla. Our positions were few and I didn’t make him see colors the way Maggie did. He told me he didn't love Maggie and would stop seeing her if I could only provide what he needed sexually. I was almost twenty-one and he was my first love. I accepted the blame and forgave him. I promised to do better. I subscribed to Cosmopolitan and Elle and Playboy. I scoured the Internet in search for advice and tips and pictures. I rented pornos. I maxed out my credit card buying lingerie and sex toys. I had everything below my neck waxed. Anything he suggested, I tried. Anything I read about, I suggested. I played both submissive and master. No orifice was left sacred. I didn't ask for post-coital cuddling nor did I hold out for my own pleasure. Soon he brought other women home to join us. Sometimes he would even make me watch as he screwed them. When he decided to let his best friend try me out he called me a whore and kicked me out of his bed for days even though it was his idea. Still, I stayed attentive to his every need. I was never too tired or not in the mood. Morning, night, lunch break. I made sure he didn’t need anyone else and that he didn’t have time to find someone if he did. *********************************************************** It had been almost a year since I came home to a locked door. I was sitting on the couch, filing my nails, when he sat down beside me. "I need you to go upstairs and make sure I've packed everything." "Where are you going?" "Nowhere. You are." I dropped my file and stared at my thumbnail. "Look, Allie, wave had a good run, but this isn't working. I'm gonna be honest with you. I met someone at work. We've been seeing other for about a month. I'm pretty sure I love her." "But I love you." "With her its different, though. She's older. We're both in our careers. We have so much in common. We talk for hours. She thinks I'm a great writer. We really connect, you know? We haven't even been physical yet, but I feel so intimate with her. It's like it doesn't even matter. I know this seems out of the blue, but we've been headed this way for a long time. We don’t have that type of relationship. " "We have a great relationship. We've been so close this past year. I've fulfilled every fantasy, embraced every fetish. We've made love almost every day." He smiled. "Oh, Allie, you're incapable of love. All you know how to do is fuck. " *********************************************************** We've been sitting here for several hours now. His head is resting in my lap, my fingers twirling his hair. If you truly love someone you don't let them send you away. You fight for what you have. You go to extremes to prove your love. I hope I have convinced him of my devotion. It is growing dark now and the blood is sticky. I need to finish filing my nails. I need to look pretty for the one I love. |