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By Ali Date: 2007 Oct 13 Comment on this Work [[2007.10.13.21.44.6606]] |
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Something in me breaks, every time I realize there's silence on the other line. Or no email in my inbox. No passionate apology on my voicemail. And while I know that it's your fault--for not emailing or calling--I am not faultless, in this. I might as well have handed you my heart on a barbeque fork and turned on the gas grill (or, you know, charcoal, if you prefer). I was reckless. And willful. And I did everything I could to reach you, and then I did everything I could to wake up your heart. I thought I had. I really did. It just felt different and good--and damn it all, I was happy. I smiled all day for no reason, except that I was thinking of you, or you were thinking of me. I couldn't think of anything else. I still can't. But that's another story. I'm strong enough to get through this, I know. Maybe this repeating silence is my twisted offer of closure, for the time before this. I gave you a second chance. I ripped apart my life, because I swore you were worth it. I wanted you to be worth it. Even with all the potential problems I could see, I just didn't care. I didn't. None of those technicalities or complications mattered one iota. I wanted you. I fell for you, harder than I ever thought I could. Because nobody ever made me feel like you did--brilliant, beautiful, and brazen. Your company made me the me I always had the potential for. Funny, how that works. Either it's funny, or that's the worst joke I've had played on me. So, I suppose I'd prefer to see the humor. I know I'll find it, eventually. It's crazy, though--how much I still want to hear from you. How much I want to tell you off and kiss you. It's crazy. I'm crazy. And there just isn't the right kind of pill for the type of insanity I've got. So, I don't know where this leaves me, walking away and hanging on. It's all just one heap of interwoven contradictions, knots and things I can't follow, or follow-through. Because I've let you go. Only...I haven't. |