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By CJ King Submitted by hairdiva Date: 2007 Oct 24 Comment on this Work [[2007.10.24.19.40.25433]] |
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It's not that I don't want to do this anymore. It's not that. It's just that I'm tired. I remember in my youth, when I had faced a death in the family and was lamenting my fear of it, my mother looked me in the eye and said 'by then, you'll just be tired. And it won't be such a big deal". I was horrified at the time, but now... I'm just tired. Of the painted on smiles and the need to pretend for everybody else that everything is just fucking fine. Because it's just not. Does not the moon get tired of its everlasting cycles, month in, month out? Does not the Earth get tired of ever-spinning-axis-turning monotony and lack of anything beyond that? Does it ever hit bottom? And what if it did? And what if I fucking want it to? Because I feel like I am. Ironically enough, I'm not drinking, drugging, sleeping around. I still get up and go to work and pay my bills and be the mother of a teenager. But for the love of God where is the joy of life that I used to harbor in my very soul? Where is my get-up-and-go? Why do I care so little about my yard, and how many weeds are there, and the dust bunnies, and the shower that needs my naked body scrubbing for at least an hour with bleach and poisonous substances that leave my lungs raw but my tile gleaming? Why does the couch want me more than anything, and where has my daily trek to the gym gone, that best friend of mine? This doesn't feel like a pity party, it feels beyond that. I don't have anything to reach into anymore, any soul, any faith, any spirit. I always have, but I don't anymore. I guess my mother, as usual, was right. But I can't just stop. Can I? |