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By Ariadne Date: 2008 Dec 05 Comment on this Work [[2008.12.05.15.23.22118]] |
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I remember saying ‘What took you so long?’ as if I was referring to the time it took you to respond to an email. It dawned on me later that same day that I was referring to my whole life…what took you so long to find me this time? I’ve been right here, for 20 years, waiting for you to show. “How did you know it was me” you ask. “How did you know it was me” I ask back. Neither of us have an answer, and that doesn’t trouble me at all. I saw your picture on your profile, I knew it was an old one, and when you wrote the first email, I barely read it the first time. The ringing in my ears and din in my head made it almost impossible. Not a bad thing really, more like how you feel when someone presents you with this awesome gift that you totally didn’t expect – maybe like an awesome sports car for Christmas. Sort of a swirling feeling. I just knew. You had found me, found me as if I was lost. Now, after all these years, and we still feel the same, still wonder at the angels that brought us together, I start to panic. I have you, but for how long. We’re what some would call in the sunset of our lives. How will I find you again? I want to find you sooner so we can have children together. My only regret is that we were not parents together, seeing how wonderful a family can be when you have the right partner. Our children now have grown into wonderful adults. But we raised them separately. I would have loved you as the father of my children. How can I find you sooner? How will I know you? Will my heart mysteriously beat faster when I see you for the first time, next time? Will my mouth go dry when I try to ask you for a pound of hamburger meat? Will my knees buckle when I answer the door and there you are, delivering the books that I ordered? HOW WILL I KNOW??? It’s become my hidden obsession. We talk about how we’ll know. You’re so much more pragmatic. You tell me “One of your ears sticks out more than the other…That’s what I’ll look for”. Suddenly it all makes sense. I’ll find you because you’ll know what to look for in me. We’re going to play it by ear, so to speak. And in that, I find comfort and peace, and I again let my eyes play slowly over your body lying there in bed, and I relax. We have found each other for right now, and my heart couldn’t possibly hold more love for you. And I will wait next time, until some absurdly handsome man comes up to me and says “I’ve seen an ear like that once, care to get some coffee”? And I think my heart will signal my brain, and it will start all over again. And that is what I live for. |