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By Crystal Date: 2010 Dec 30 Comment on this Work [[2010.12.30.23.53.23879]] |
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As I sit here and I read all of the things I've written before I realize how I shut down, all emotions I closed out surrounding dating and love for so many years I had nothing to write about. I find myself right here again sitting with swollen eyes because I don't know what I did wrong and so scared of losing you. Angry at myself for allowing my heart to feel again. Angry at myself that I text you drunk last night. I hate myself right now because my mind keeps turning and spinning trying to figure it all out instead of just letting it go. I want to tell you that I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't breathe and more sorry that I contacted you after saying those words. It's hard in this situation to understand something if you don't even know what happened. I wish I had all the answers but you refuse to even explain what I did wrong so I don't even know what questions to ask. I tried to be so careful with you, I tried to hold back feeling anything at all until I just couldn't hold back any longer. I fell in love with you and I wonder now if I should have ran the moment I felt it but I couldn't. I'm back in this pit hole of depression that I've been out of for years and I can only blame myself for it. I can only promise you that whatever I did, I am sorry. I can promise that I will not hate you. I can promise if given the chance I'd do everything I could to make you happy and hold your hand when you need a friend. I can promise to be more patient with you when you are having a bad day, that I will love you and when your world feels like it's broken all around you I will help you pick up the pieces. I can promise you that not a day will go by that you will ever have to question my love for you or feel uncared for. I can promise that every word I said to you was true. I can promise you that my hand will be in yours for as long as you want it there. The problem is though.... I think the only promise you want from me is the promise to just drop out of your life and move on, and right now, that's a really hard promise that I just can't make no matter how much I wish I could. Right now, I just can't do that because I simply don't understand what even happened to make you feel that way. |