By Just L
Date: 2011 Mar 24
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I  Raising the Bottom (November 14, 2008)

Starting today, I am "raising the bottom." I do not have to wait for someone I care about to "hit bottom." Why wait? Accelerate!

All dope can do for you is kill you
. . . the long hard way.
And it can kill the people you love
right along with you.
~Billie Holiday

If "death" is the rock bottom, then I am not willing to wait until death do us part. I am willing to do my part.

Starting today, I am pulling back; perhaps for a long while. Buckle up, missy! Remaining hopeful, but not responsible. Hmmm, think I will jump off of the roller coaster (it has lost its thrill appeal after 1,000 rides in any case); relish my beautiful life after an obviously long hiatus... enjoy simple pleasures like laugh uncontrollably, travel the world again, watch my children create their own best life, and hang out with ALL of my quirky, wonder-filled friends more often...

I will play while I let things play out. After all, I never dreamed of becoming a spouse of an addict, an evil stepmother or a control freak. I dreamed of being secure, spiritual, successful and silly to boot.

Here's to more delirious and less dysfunctional. Lol.

II Good Grief (December 21, 2008)

Grief is not an easy emotion to convey to others. Often grief is over death. Nevertheless, “death” can be a signifier of a change in life status -- a separation or divorce, a move to another station in life (empty nester) or new employment are all forms of death. In many spiritual traditions, death is a precursor to rebirth. As a Christian, this helps me to remember, it is often dark for a reason. How many times in our lives have we been forced to shut doors before we could discover a new door opening up for us? While it is tempting to deny grieving in an attempt to avoid the pain; in this season, I have learned to accept that my loss is real. After all, I am not delusional! While I realize that it is often easier to have an intellectual understanding of the loss, I know all too well that to feel the pain (an emotional understanding) is necessary. So, please don’t suggest I keep busy or avoid it. I am an expert at that already! I am working it out. Cherishing without letting it control me. And in it, I am creating something new. The "place" where I decide to keep my memories is up to me. I am finding a safe place in my heart that will allow me to move on in strength. This is deeply personal work. And like photographs, once fully developed, the transformation can only be truly appreciated in the light, and when shared with others.

(Today I filed for legal separation)

III Divorce Declaration (December 6, 2009)

I checked irreconcilable differences, because this box was not available:

  I am a strong, smart, savvy, sexy woman with
  broken places and a soft heart.

  Every tender place I offered as a gift was trampled
  on instead of treasured.

  Each secret place exploited in lieu of held sacred.

  I never signed up for the role of control freak,
  bitch or evil step-mom.

  My family and friends think I am beautiful;
  courageous; funny, silly even.

  At my best, brilliant… My worst, redeemed.

  He is a good man who is in so much pain he cannot
  create a good life.

  I want a good life.

  And, that is all I have to say about that.


A piece of "recovery" from heartbreak and aches that will be publshed in the 2011 College Moment , a faculty-led journal.