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By Farah Submitted by twisted_lie Date: 2012 Apr 02 Comment on this Work [[2012.04.02.15.42.28067]] |
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We go through life carrying certain memories we create, I for starters wish I had no memories, for memories are nothing but trouble and constant reminders of things you once had to experience. Sure, there are always two sides to every story but for some reason I always pick the pessimistic one, I never seem to look at the bright side, I am not sure I want to either. To me, memories are nothing but an illusion. My memories remind me of people I want to forget, of events I want to erase, of pain that was once caused. They are like a throne in my throat; the more beautiful the flower, the more painful the sting is. My life is not something worth mentioning. I am an average Jane. I lived life one day at a time; I laughed at times and cried at others. In a crowd I disappear. I don’t have a name that stands out. I haven’t done anything to be remembered. I have simply given up on everything and everyone at this point and thinking of a ways to leave in peace. While people thought of ways to live and enjoy life, I usually thought of the way I will die; you never know, maybe that will be the one thing that will make me stand out. I always hoped that it will be in my sleep because when you dream, you are most alive. At first glance, I appear as a very calm cheerful person, but once you get to know me better, you will discover that behind that smile is a very confused unsecure girl, and beneath these calm waters lies a fired up volcano. I always believed that my anger came from the fact that I never really knew how to express myself in the right way, using the right words. So my shouting and cursing became my scream for help and my tears a result of my frustration. I am a tough cookie, I love challenges and I love being challenged but when it comes to love I am a hopeless case. I blame it all on memories whether mine or theirs. I will be honest in my writings this time, I will not sugar coat anything. I will not look at life through rose tinted binoculars; instead I will look the truth in the eyes and confront it. I don’t know who will read this, I don’t know if it will help anyone, I don’t know if anyone feels or ever felt this way, but I will write these words, these feeling for the sake of freeing myself from these thoughts. I am a salve to my thoughts, a prisoner to doubt and a convict to my assumptions. I wish I could take these chains off and care less to all that goes on around me. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I didn’t have a worry in the world, that I wasn’t so bothered in creating something so perfect and just accepting the flaws. But that wasn’t me. Have you ever felt like you were walking inside a cave and the deeper you got inside the darker it became? This is how I feel about my life right now; when people are celebrating around me I curl up in my shell and wish for solitary. In a year of big events, I have found that my biggest accomplishment was surviving the year considering my dark thoughts. I now stand on the edge of a very thin line that separates me from total insanity. I am given the gift of happiness and bliss, yet I so humbly refuse it. I am given the unconditional love of a supporting partner and yet I do not believe it. I am craving a new beginning and a fresh start. I feel I deserve a blank new page. I know I am worthy of a virgin when it comes to love. You owe me a first true love’s kiss, an amazing first date, an unforgettable first anniversary celebration, a passionate meaningful touch. You could be a miracle maker or simply a heart breaker. I yearn to feel the security I never had, to have your arms embrace me without the doubts, to have your lips kiss me without the constant reminder that you might compare, to have your hands touch me without feeling dirty and unworthy. I yearn for the fire in your eyes to see me, for the true passion of love when you hold me, for real love when you shelter me. But I always end up with crumbs, with so little of you, with the least of you, with a tiny piece of your heart and I learnt not to complain, but be thankful instead. Don’t blame me for who I am today, rather try to understand what made me the way I am. I am a woman of many personalities, life has taught me to hide my feelings well, to disguise the sorrow, to tame the fighter inside of me. To all beautiful starts comes a tragic ending, and vice versa. But with me, I honestly don’t know how this cycle works, for to me, it seems like I have been stuck in this circle of self loath for a long time. However, when I first met you, I felt like things were finally looking up, but looking up was nothing but bright sunshine in my eyes. Yes, I was blinded and I didn’t mind it either, I didn’t mind the white lies you knit, I didn’t mind the truth you’ve hidden from me, I didn’t mind anything because for a split second there you managed to make me feel like the centre of your world, and I loved it, I lived for this love and I believed in it and us. I felt so pretty after a long two years of ugly. I was able to look myself in the mirror again and smile. Fate was finally being kind to me. God has finally thrown me a rope to rescue me. Little did I know that the rope that will save me will also cause me to hang myself later. I don’t blame you for you are a man. Men are known to being weak before temptation, they are weak before their desires and even furthermore, they are stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. I know it wasn’t your intention to hurt me. I know you cared for me, but your actions have only made me more convinced that you were not in love with me, for in love we don’t just give crumbs but rather our whole heart on a silver platter. I was too needy and you were at that point in life where you just wanted to settle down and the more I asked of you to give the more you held back around me. I will never understand why, but I will also never forget how it made me feel. I have fallen in love with the shadow of the man you were. You lured me into loving you; you have given me what was left of you. What I loved in you when we first met turned out to be nothing but the crumbs of the man you once were. A man on his way out of love while I was girl revived by your lust; the words you filled my heart with turned out to be nothing but your everyday pick up line. The way you talked to me, the jokes, the flirting were nothing but a repeated history to you and I was just another girl, when you meant the world to me. We all have a past, we all have memories, we are all entitled to them but I wish I would forget them. I wish that I met you earlier so I would be your past, present and future. So that I wouldn’t add up to my complicated personality, so I would feel like I actually meant something for someone. The same light that blinded when I first met you is now burning the essence of my soul, knowing that I have not spent a genuine moment with you, that to you it was all the same, you talked the same to them and acted the same way around them, lifted them the way you did with me, only to throw them to the nearest curve. I know that you will blame for my insecurities and that is expected because you do not understand where I am coming from. I am the woman that truly loved and believed in you while you were still holding onto strings of the past. I am the woman who believed every single word you said and with those words you changed her world. But now I am nothing but a woman in doubt, in doubt of was it ever real at any point? Will it ever be? Or are we just another act that is doomed in a tragic ending. Are we destined to pretend our whole lives? Of that I wonder. One question that occurs to me all the time: “When did you fall in love with me?!”, “if you are in the first place. What do you love most about me? I ask you this question every time hoping for a genuine answer, for an answer that is only about me, that you would say how much you love when I greet you with my eyes, how you love the scent of my mixed perfumes, rather than your hair, your eyes.. General answers that could be said to anyone and everyone. How I wish you’d call me beautiful instead of sexy, pretty instead of hot, love me as a person instead of a tool, a creature of emotions instead of a mean to satisfy your sexual hunger, how I wish you’d make me feel like I was your first although we both know I am not. How I wish I was certain it was love you felt for me and not lust. But to know for sure is impossible with you. You have me on a string and the closer you pull me towards you the further away I want to be. Your actions I cannot predict. Your words I no longer fully believe. Your love I am failing to feel. I have given you every piece of happiness left in my heart, and with every disappointment you gave me; you have thrown away those pieces like they were nothing, like I meant nothing, like I was no one. Who are you? What were you like as a lover? What changed you? What left an impact on you so hard that you became so cheap with emotions? That you looked for one night stands instead of lifetime passion? Why did God make our paths’ cross? We are so different. How can you get physical with someone you claim you don’t love? That will always be beyond me. Making love is sacred, it is the union to two beautiful souls and yet you look at it as a need fulfilled. I have needs too. I need to know that my husband is making love to me, not sex. I have not experienced this yet, it will be my first time and unlike every other disappointment this one must leave a good impression. I need it to be sincere, heartfelt. You need to be gentle and caring with my delicate body. I need you to act like it’s your first time because it intimidates me that I am now with a body that belonged to many before me. It brings back all the horrible thoughts and insecurities especially that I have saved myself until the time is right. With you, fate isn’t being so generous. With me, fate isn’t being so kind now. A past is called a past, because it is way past its time but with you , you always seem to drag it wherever you go, it is like you constantly want to remind me of certain things I have fought so hard to forget. Your ego is so big you refuse to confess that there’s a part of you that loves to see me cry. Simple things I ask of you and you are so unwilling to do for me, always making up different excuses, but the more you held your ground, the more I insisted these things were changed. I sometimes wish I met you at a different time and place, I wish I met you at a time you would’ve been more serious in your approach, a time where you have actually fallen in love with me instead of feeding me your cliché pick up lines that I fell so hard for. I wish you weren’t just trying your luck to see where it was going, instead believed it was going in the direction you wanted. Sometimes I feel like this whole relationship was built on lies from your side. You ask why act the way I do sometimes, well it is because I am unsure of your intentions or what you are up to. I have trusted you with all my heart and put my faith back in you only to end up kicked in the face again several times. I have learnt that I can’t control everything and I can no longer bottle things up like I used to years ago so I turned my silence into anger. How I wish I wasn’t awakened from my slumber because back then it was just a phase in life but now you are my whole life. I wished for something special, for a special treatment, for someone who will spoil me, but turned out that I was far from special, I got a different kind of special treatment and I was spoilt in the soul. I do not understand love, nor do I want to anymore. It is tiring and self consuming. I have stopped to love the moment the one true person stopped loving me back. I no longer loved what I saw in the mirror, and the ugliness of my soul reflected my looks. I only saw myself now as a web of problems, insecurities and disappointments. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. To be faithful and to have someone sincere. To live a life with no lies even if they were white lies. To be the only person my partner sees, instead of him having wondering eyes for other . To have him flatter me and compliment only me instead of him sweet talking ladies behind my back. To have him love me as much and more than I could ever love him. To make me fall in love with him many times instead of trying to hook up with others. To have him talk about places that my mind doesn’t associate with his lust, but rather about places that he wishes to discover with me. I hate the past; please stop taking me back there. This is a ride I don’t enjoy. It is hurtful and unfair. How I wish I felt like the first time, the time I was so naïve to believe every word said to me, to fall head over heels for you all over again without having things that would remind you of others or having to remind me of your shit. How I wish I forget everything and go back to being clueless. To being stupid and gullible, to love all the way and to fully trust but the truth is that meeting you has revived so many things in me and has killed and terminated other things. I wanted a fairytale but you gave me a harsh reality after months of building my trust in you and breaking down my walls only to build new ones. Love me like I was your first, with passion with soul, don’t give me little because I wouldn’t give at all. Be true to me like I am your last, like your hope and survival depended on me. Let me be your everything so I can give you the world you never knew. You will blame me for my thoughts, but I blame you for not taking care of me the way you promised you would. |