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By HaremGirl Date: 2012 Aug 12 Comment on this Work [[2012.08.12.00.48.10467]] |
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So many things have changed since I lost my legs. I was forced into early retirement and sometimes self-pity. I feel disgusted with myself, for letting this terrible thing happen to me. I used to always be in control, but now I am at the mercy of others - A very unpleasant position to be in. I feel worthless - Like a debit. I want to be a Credit Card, Not a debit. I want to give - I don't want to take. I like waiting on others, and I hate being waited upon. I feel like half of a woman. What happened to the other half. What did they do with my legs ? Did they get a decent burial or are they lying in some garbage dump with the other diseased organs ? My husband says they were probably thrown into a really hot furnace - so even the bone would burn into nothingness. Part of me gone - never to return - leaving me like a midget clown who has to beg for their food. People tell me that I should be glad just to be alive. I almost died - filled with gangrene that even went to my brain. I couldn't talk - I couldn't make a sentence. I couldn't form words - I couldn't make any sound come out of my mouth. For a whole year - I was a prisoner in my bedroom on the third floor. I gazed out the window looking at the world driving by. Last summer, when I watched the grandkids swimming in our little pool - while they splashed and laughed - I watched from the upstairs window - with tears in my eyes. No one knew how sad I was.... I put on the smile - even when my legs oozed sores, with pus and blood running down them, until one day - we realized that I had no flesh on my feet anymore - only bones. The pain used to make me pass out. I started hallucinating, and rocked and chanted all night long. Until they took me out in a stretcher and drug me to the ER - to have my legs cut off. I thought afer that - things would get better. But no, it got worse. I couldn't swallow. I could not hold down any food - not even water. I was delirious. I couldn't even move my fingers anymore. My stumps hurt and ached - and I had to roll over onto bedpans. I could not move - they had to push and pull me for everything. I couldn't feed myself because I did not have enough strength to pick up a fork or spoon. The nurses yelled at me and told me that I was spoiled. They called me lazy because I couldn't feed myself. They refused to let my family feed me. So I stopped eating and got weaker and weaker. I began to slip away. I was dying of malnutrition. My husband had to sneak food into my mouth when the nurses were not looking - When I finally got some strength up - I yelled at the nurses and reported them to their managers and thereatened to get news reporters - to tell my story. Then they started to let my family help me. I told them that I was not a spoiled baby - but just needed help until I could get my strength back. Stupid idiots - couldn't they see that without making me have to yell at them ??? But now to the Love part - During all this, my husband stuck close to me. He stayed in the hospital with me day and night, He slept in a chair next to me, until my daughter brought him in a cot from home. He was there for me every second of the day. I was scared as hell. But my need for Love did not get burned in that incinerator. My need to be hugged and cuddled was still there. My need for reassurance that everything was going to be alright - became my prime concern. My husband made sure that my needs were taken care of. He reassured me everyday of his love for me - by sleepless nights, wiping my tears, putting up with my mental breakdowns, putting up with my needy child-like wants. He pampered me and groomed me. Like a favored poodle, he maicured my nails, gave me sponge baths, combed my hair, washed my face and fed me the choicest parts of each meal. I could go on for hours with all the things he did for me. My need for love is still full-blown, even though half of me is missing. And I thank God everyday, that my husband still wants and needs me as much as before. I am so grateful that our ability to love has not been marred or changed in any way, despite me loosing my legs. It's not a storybook ending, but it still brings a smile to my face (and his). ~Harem~ ....... |