By Marshall Hann
Submitted by Blessed23
Date: 2014 Oct 23
Comment on this Work


I can not erase these memories
of you
from my mind
and now the day after you have emptied my apartment
of your things
they all come flooding back,
rushing into my mind
and I can not stop them from consuming
my thoughts.

Us laughing together on the couch.
stretching our bodies together
in a warm embrace
as we watched yet another nameless movie,
what was important
wasn't the movie
but that you were
in my arms.
A surprise breakfast for me
when I awoke on a long weekend.
Dinner that you had made with love
shared while talking about each other's day
and with the news on in the background.
The time when you spilled the cup
of water
and I got so mad at you
(What a child I can be).
our endless nights of conversation
in my apartment.
You standing there in the kitchen
in nothing but a towel,
looking as serenely beautiful
as you ever could be.
Us making love
on the couch
the balcony
the kitcken counter,
the floor,
under the warmth of a shower,
and in
my bed.
A bed that you gave to me.
the nights spent in Montreal
giving and sharing moments
in a city
with so much history and beauty,
like you.
Gone to Jasper with friends
for New Year's
where I could see you with a newness
that I wasn't able to before
(Dining at Earl's
I saw you smile
and my soul smiled).
Us skating together
so fluid and freely.
You picking up my cats
and your silly nicknames for them.
You, drunk and wild,
untamed and taking off your shirt,
looking me in the eyes wildly.
The nights of longing
for your presence
when you worked out of town.
Driving me to the hospital
after someone had broken my collar bone
(you stayed the whole time,
there by my side).
Me clumsily lighting candles
and using a rose
to touch your body
in ways that I never could.
Moments spent with your family
and seeing the joy in your eyes
when you held your niece.
so many Sunday mornings
eating breakfast
at Cora's
or Ricky's
or that local diner
with the best coffee
either of us ever had.
us listening to music together
sheltered by it and each other
from all the hell outside our door.
You learning to sew
at my kitchen table
with your mother's sewing machine
and the joy and pride in your face
as you showed me your
first creation.
me catching a cab
to come see your beautiful face
on the west end.
The utter total and indescribable joy
I felt
every time I finally saw you
after you had stepped off a plane
and made your way back into my arms.
and it seems like yesterday
that we went to Vancouver
and spent a week
sharing new experiences
together as one
(Now we are two).

Then there were the simple and mundane things
that I loved
and never fully appreciated
until now
Watching you wash the dishes.
Knowing that when I came home from work,
you were in my room
sleeping peacefully
and I took comfort knowing
that you were there
and you were mine.
seeing you put your makeup on
before we went out.
You washing your face
each night
before sleep.
being woken up
as you left for work in the morning.
going to the grocery store
(every little thing
was made better
by being with you).
the look of your face
in the morning light
as you slept.

And you've left me in the dark now
My hands are unsteadied by all the memories.

and I go for a walk
to froget you
but the streets all have your ghost
walking next to me,
every sidewalk
every corner,
in the river valley
under the Christmas lights at the legislature building,
your ghostly face is there
for we have made so many memories
that I can not count

Your voice still echoes
in the silence of my apartment,
in the streets of downtown,
in Old Montreal,
in the valleys and the mountains,
in the eyes of our friends,
in my mind when I close my eyes,
in every god damned corner of the earth.
(I don't know where to put you now)

and though I try
I can not erase them.
but though these memories
consume me
and bring me to my knees
in my apartment
with tears streaming down my face endlessly
it is not because they are my hell.
My hell isn't even what you did to me.
Hell, I have learnt,