From: Gary<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Angel, <BR>
      I had the same problem the first time I tried to open the site, but have just opened it from the office using a P111/600 and the site works fine. Here it is again just in case http://www.poetry.com/bash/index.html<BR>

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From: B.K.<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

I take as metaphysical poetry that in which what is<BR>
ordinarily apprehensible only by thought is brought within<BR>
the grasp of feeling, or that in which what is ordinarily<BR>
only felt is transformed into thought without ceasing to be feeling.<BR>
<BR>
                                                T.S. Eliot<BR>
bk
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From: Jenna Holland ([email-masked])<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Elaina- Really enjoyed "My Drug" ... Glad you are a poster here at the blender :o)<BR>
<BR>
-Jenna-
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From: scqueen<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Michael ~ 'drink diet' is fun. looks like you had a good practice session!
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From: scqueen<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

sorry, i was referring to 'starving' -  i got so caught up in the rhyming the title escaped me.
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From: Toklas<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

dee,<BR>
you asked for some comment on "I want him to come in the summer time."<BR>
<BR>
The most eyecatching line is, "city where pohutukawa trees scream scarlet<BR>
as they burst into bloom."  You seem to be going for a prose peom here as there is no rythm or meter. Even so I would lose the "it is beatiful" line. I think you could play with this poem and tighten it considerable by getting rid of some of the qualifiers. Example:<BR>
<BR>
Tiny wooden cottages wrestle for<BR>
space with concrete and chrome.<BR>
<BR>
The interesting/central image is wood vs concrete, but it gets lost in too much telling. <BR>
<BR>
<BR>
<BR>
The breathtaking line is also cliche, I would dump that one also. Cliche is not just the obvious "whispering soul" type of line, but also the usuage of any word that has made its way into being common because it has been done over and over. I think the idea in modern poetry is to find words and images that are a surprise.   <BR>
<BR>
To catch the readers attention, I would open with that great line:<BR>
<BR>
In the city where pohutukawa trees scream scarlet<BR>
as they burst into bloom, I think to myself,<BR>
I want him to come in the summer time.<BR>
<BR>
Now from here do your city in words and images that we have never heard before. You might also consider using some of the city images you introduce - that wood vs chrome for instance, to identify in some way with the relationship or relationships in general.<BR>
<BR>
just my opinion, I hope this helps.<BR>
<BR>
<BR>
Angel, thank you for your comments on Siwash. I was concerned about 3rd line in first strophe. I am trying to get some work ready to send to publisher and if anyone sees any word or phrasing that jars, please point it out. <BR>
<BR>
Tok<BR>
<BR>
<BR>
<BR>
<BR>

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From: toklas<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Something I forgot to mention. I see someone brought up the Poetry contests held by poetry.com.  They are not bonafide publishers. They will publish anything you send them, and ask you to buy a copy of an anthology made up of a zillion works that are not selected so much as used to make them $49.95.  If any of you want to  publish, no bonafide publisher is going to charge you for the privilige. They should at least pay you by sending you free of charge a copy of the work.
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From: Toklas<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

SusieQ,  I am commenting on your poem "Unfinished Rhapsody" because I think you  have the makings of a fine piece of work. I  have suggested some changes below along with the reasons for the suggestions. <BR>
<BR>
Cerulean eyes forbidding me love,<BR>
<BR>
***Forbidding is a gerund. We try to avoid gerunds in  poetry because they are unfinished thoughts.<BR>
I don't think you need the word "love." It would be more powerful implied. The line could easily read:<BR>
<BR>
Cerulean eyes forbid me,<BR>
<BR>
forever in platonic stasis<BR>
where the roses halfway bloom<BR>
and wind ruffles the curtains.<BR>
<BR>
*** forever and wind ruffles curtains are cliche. I think you can lose them. The line could read:<BR>
<BR>
In platonic stasis, roses halfway bloom. <BR>
<BR>
Pages flutter,<BR>
sailing from high<BR>
to hardwood floor.<BR>
See the black quarter-notes scrawled,<BR>
a solemn paper hymn.<BR>
<BR>
*** my only nit with the above is the line breaks. I don't think the shorter lines help the flow when read out loud.  Also the word "flutter," I think you can find a better word.  I love the "a solemn paper hymn"<BR>
<BR>
One blank sheet,<BR>
staffs unadorned,<BR>
remains unscratched<BR>
by my musing quill.<BR>
<BR>
** I think this could be tightened. "musing" is cliche.  It could read:<BR>
One blank sheet remains, staffs unadorned<BR>
By  my (descriptor of some kind, inky , scratching- something for the sake of meter) quill. <BR>
<BR>
A poem with lots of great potential, thanks for the read.<BR>
<BR>
tok<BR>

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From: Elaina<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Jenna- Thank you I'm glad you liked it.<BR>
<BR>
xoxo<BR>
elaina
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From: Elaina <BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Ali~ I loved them all 'who knows' 'to understand' 'like you used to' and 'what we need'!! WOW!! 'to understand' and 'like you used to' really hit close to home.<BR>
<BR>
me aka niki~ 'in their eyes' and 'pieces of you' very well done.  as i said before "boys are dumb" (haha)<BR>
<BR>
Shara Shafer~ I really enjoyed 'now confused' it made me realize no matter how much I think I have things in control I really don't.<BR>
<BR>
scqueen~ 'for kristina hogan. OH-MI-GAWD!!! really heart felt, tear jerker in less than a minute. Wonderful.<BR>
<BR>
xoxo<BR>
elaina
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From: Elaina<BR>
Date: 13 January 2001<P>

Sarah~ "lonleyness' was well done, I loiked the analygies.<BR>
<BR>
xoxo<BR>
elaina
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