Laurie~ 'In My Eyes' has a lot of good there for your first attempt at poetry. Your theme is clear and consistent, but the flow is a bit stilted. I think you have tried to force rhyme in places and it shows. Maybe you should try the same poem again just as an exercise in writing and try free style verse. See how it works out, and allow your line breaks to appear naturally as if you were speaking aloud. And was there a specific reason for the ellipsis at the begioning of each break? It is distracting to the reader because it implies you're continuing a thought already in progress. If it does not clarify structure or add something to the work why use them? A good rule of thumb to go by in every case.
And yes, write everything to please yourself first. But by all means, one of the best ways to learn and grow is to ask for a critique of your writing. Poetry is usually so invested with emotion that many writers here are offended by any criticism at all, but how else can you learn and grow. After once or twice of hearing "you're wonderful, and your writing is wonderful", you begin to feel doubts and insecurity and end up hating the platitudes because they become meaningless. This is an excellent first venture into poetry, and best wishes on your future writing!
terry
terry---post a sub damnit! kevin too, if you're out there...ha...no pressure...just kinda miss reading what you guys come up with...among others...
gup
guppy~ Something about 'six guns' made me flash bach to a few years ago...1am. in a college bar...and the dj plays Cher singing 'Just Like Jessee James'....she was a godess, but for some unknown reason wanted to dance with me of all guys.....later I found out it was because I was the only guy at the bar drinking white wine and her mom had told her such guys were big trouble...but your poem captured exactly how I felt the next day.....Thank you for the memory ride!
terry
terry---ha, i misread your comment and thought that cher had asked you to dance...she actually did ask me to dance once (it was a long time ago...when i was young and impressed by scantily clad divas who hadn't yet turned to robotic sounding vocal enhancements...oh yeah, and i was dreaming)
sorry you can relate to my poem...ha...but thanks...never heard that theory about white wine...ha
gup
Gup, I love her oldies, but Cher asking me to dance would have to be a dream!..LOL and a weird dream at that. Although I did have that chance with Linda Ronstadt once and almost fainted. The music stopped, saving me. It was a Charity Ball...
And thanks for your comment, I am not abandoning the Blender. I love the place. I've just cut way back on what I post, trying to improve the elements of my own writing, instead of posting everything that comes out of my head.
Btw...how's your Dad? Fully recovered I hope. And Kev is on a business trip to Calif. right now.
terry
Hi Gary...
And I read your piece. You have it backwards dear---I am honored to be counted with you. Keep writing---but don't go nuts. It's taken me 28 years as a writing junkie to acchieve my current level of production---and that included 5 years when I barely wrote Christmas cards.
In the last year I topped 300 pieces...and two of them were almost readable!
Congrats, and thanks....
Gala
My name is Jaynee Gallamore. I am the original author of "Key To My Heart." My poem is copywrighted. I would like it taken down or I would like credit for it asap. Thank you
laurie ~ In My Eyes was very good, I am glad to see that you are willing to be critiqued. So many writers hate whenever someone says anything other than its great. But! No matter what anyone else says, never stop writing, words express our soul. Just try to see what critique is actually helpful, and which is just petty meaness. I once heard the saying do your best, and you will be the best.
Elaina ~ I Know is a good poem but hard to read, you break in the middle of a thought too often, I think that if you worked on writing as you were thinking, dont worry about whether or not the words rhyme, you will find it makes your poetry smoother. I do like alot of your work, and I think you are well on your way.
Victoria ~ another try at love , very good! and how true. Good job!
Sweetbeene ~ Kitchen Travel Guides is very descriptive and very well written.
Kathleen~ Thanks for the comment, see my problem is that's how my mind works, thought to thought. and I never really try to rhyme unless I'm in the mood, so I do write exactly how I think.
xoxo
elaina
Jenna~ Thank you...thank you very much! =)
Love and light, Ali
Monsieur guppy-
Thanks for actually mentioning me (winking, chuckling, running from what ALL the Blender divas - yes, dee, you are THE deevaa, but only A diva <cheeky grin>). Of course I will submit. I was away for a few days in sunny California (I loved it - a change of venue always brings on the muse)...
Actually, let me kind of reset what I REALLY want to say (reiterate).
Yes, Poetry as a form of writing requires some level of skill to be good. It must impart its message in a way others can relate to. In that vein, spelling and punctuation are practices that ought not be ignored. If you have something to say, you owe it to YOURSELF to say it as clearly (and as Gala pointed out, as concisely) as possible. There is no singular arbiter of what makes poetry "good." But, poetry is more than just prose written in columnar form. It should evoke an image, a feeling, a mood. That is where artistry enters into the equation, and sometimes leaves the craft behind. My challenge to those who want to be thought of AS poets is this: are you adding a different perspective to the gentle readers here? They crave something fresh, not just more of the same. Try to say something NEW...
I know, I know. Gup, can you send me the 1-800 number for Ellipses-Users Anonymous???
point to clarify-
I didn't finish one thing (typing out thoughts in parallel sometimes means certain thoughts don't get finished)-- I meant to run from the brickbats said divas are likely to hurl in my general direction for stating such a bald-faced lie...
apologies......
k
It's all about you
I hate that way i feel inside.
It makes me just want to die
I want to run away
Put my fears behind
I want to see you here again
to see you walk beside me
I dont want to see the way
The way I put the past of you behind me
I stand here thinking
about the way it should be
You said you would never leave me
I guess it was a lie.
Sometimes at night i lay and think
of things jumbled up in my head
Sometimes its so hard i cant even speak
Other times when i hear you name
i cant even walk my body gets so weak
I look at the dates and mouths a head
Wondering how time will consume
with out you here with me
I picture in my mind
of how it used to be
I wonder if the days on this earth
are going to be the same
Picturing in my mind
of how its all about you...
Please note that in bright red letters at the top of this page (a.k.a. the COMMENTS AND NEW MATERIAL page) the words:
If you wish to submit a poem or story (yours or somebody else's) please go to our Submissions Page
WELCOME BACK KEV!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh I wish they all could be CALI-FORN-IA girls!
Gala
ok kev ~ don't know if i can forgive you for this one...do you not know that "sc" in the queen stands for Southern California?? I'm about 3 1/2 hours north of LA. How close were you to me?
HELLO!
2 EveryONE,
I've read many poems, and enjoyed many and got teary-eye from others. The thing is I see your work but I'm really pondering things, so if you may, I have a few question to ask.
How old are you?
How long have you been writing, poems?
Why do you write poems (what do you gain from poetry)?
Well, I don't think I fair for you to answer my question without myself answering them. So here's me! = )
I recently turned 16 in Nov.
I have been writing for almost 3 years now.
Lastly, poetry give me something almost unexplainable, so I guess I'll write a poem about it. But poems are my way of expressing myself or feelings in an irregular manner. The truth is I usually write when I'm depressed, and sad to say I sometimes cause my own depressions, so I may write.
Well that's all. oh and please forgive my spelling, grammar, and compact vocabulary (keep in mind I'm only 16 and struggling)! = )
I just read through 8 days or so of comments and was happy to see some discussion of poetry as an art form still going on.
I said this before, but I want to repeat that critiquing a poem is not a criticism of feelings or persons. It is a critique of a work. A board where you comment on poetry is a place to respond to work presented. If the only comments allowed are "you are all wonderful," it defeats the purpose.
After reading a dozen or so posts riddled with cliche etc., I was delighted to find this poem of scqueen's -Days like these- which I think has the makings of a good poem.
What I liked, squeen, was the way you used words that are particularly rather than generally descriptive. (native plants checkerspots velvet ants owl pellets cormorants). I have some other comments below suggesting where I think you could tighten the poem.
lead me, on a spring morning
to your paradise
*** paradise is a cliche word. The short line breaks disturb the flow. The purpose of a line break is to give the reader a pause. Break means break. The reader is not out of breath after two words. The only other reason for short lines would be to offset or dramatize a line. A line break is an indicator of how the poem should sound out loud. Read these short lines out loud the way you have them and it makes it sound like a laundry list.
of warblers
native plants
checkerspots
velvet ants
owl pellets
cormorants...
**** I like the specific nature of these words as I mentioned above. However, an ellipsis is only grammatically correct if you are indicating that you have missing words. Your ellipsis here is merely decoration.
crinkle a leaf
for me to smell
splash me with water
pick up a shell
**love this part
i'll shed my coat
and feel the sun
on my shoulders
my face
my heart
***the face heart bit is too predictable. I don't think the poem would suffer at all if you left them out.
and dwell in you
and days like these
**love the last lines. I think this could be an excellent piece with a little tightening. If you do revise, and ever want to submit for publishing purposes, normalize the caps. Until you are a bona fide genius, publishers will want to be sure you know the rules.
Thank you for the read.
Toklas ~ Thank you for the critique. Can you be a little more specific, possibly with an example of what you would do with the 'laudry list words' without grouping them with a lot of 'ands'? Also, what would you suggest I replace 'paradise' with? Again, many thanks. This is a great example of the type of critiques that should be posted here!
squeen, it is the line breaks that give them the laundry feel. I like the words because they are specific. You have several options for breaking them up.
1. Put them in sentences.
2. list them separated by commas and one "and" at end of list.
example:
of warblers, native plants and checkerspots;
of velvet ants, owl pellets and cormorants.
a case in point for punctuating poetry <grin>
As far as "paradise" goes- take us somewhere unusual. Take us to a specific, clear place that we can see, taste and feel. Take us somewhere you love that you can make us experience: i.e. "we walked on forty-second street, where you can smell fresh bread from outdoor stands." Paradise is abstract and cliche: abstract because it is a concept of place. If you want to know what an abstraction is, ask yourself if you can see, taste, smell "it," rather than expressing generalities, statements of belief, or concepts.
hope this helps.
Ali~ WOW WOW WOW! I absolutly loved your last poem, I charged so much emotion in me. way to say so much with so little.
xoxo
elaina
me aka niki~ Where are you?? I miss your work.
xoxo
elaina