The Analcake Annals

I am in love with my sister I know it is wrong but she is so good in bed I just can't stop myself.Do you think it would be better if I started having sex with my mother instead and just have sex with my sister on special occasions like easter.We do have prostitutes around here but they don't take food stamps and the love is just not there.I don't have any pets and masturbation is the work of the devil.Some one please help me I want to do the right thing.

I LOVE this page!! I LOVE you!! I LOVE me!! I LOVE everything!! Let me list many of the things I really LOVE:

Chicken
Cheez Wiz
monkeys
Don Knotts
Zug
toilets
Dom Delouis
republicans
hate
Wal-Mart
Mexicans
Red
Butter
blenders
your mother
Alan Alda
dirt
knives
and last, but not least, Belgians

I LOVE you! I want to have SEX w/ you(in a LOVING sort of way, not the way rapists do it, or computer engineers, but a LOVING sort of way)!! WoooHoooo

We need to ask ourselfs what love really is. love is not having to be nice to her after you are finished.love is sex without added lubrication.love is when she keeps her head down so you can still see the television.love is when she lets you sample other women so you have something to compare her with.love is a hot dinner when you get home from work and a closed mouth when you don't need it.love is when she invites her large breasted sister for a sleep over.love is all of these things and much more love is a wonderfull thing you can lie about love to get some that you otherwise might not have gotten.Lesbian love is a good thing as well if you are allowed to take pictures.I am full of love as a matter of fact I am so full of love I have to go snap a coil in the toilet to get rid of some of it.
I like all my new friends here I sure hope you feel the same have an experimental day

Is it acceptable behavior to beat your wife if she is bad even if you really love her.I want her to learn and it seems the only way she does is if I beat her a good one.We always have sex afterward so I think that means she understands what I am doing.The other day the dumb cunt served my dinner cold and the bread was not fresh so I bashed her in the skull with a wooden spoon.Well in 5 min my dinner was hot and I had fresh bread so I don't see how wife beating can be a bad thing.I really love her a lot the other women I have sex with behind her back are just flings but I see no need to tell her about it what she don't know won't hurt her right.
I do admit some times I drink whiskey and beat her for no reason but I only do it in fun and I rarley leave marks on her so I guess that is ok too. I am always hearing about battered wifes and even though I like mine breaded better I don't see what is wrong with a battered wife as long as you have tarter sauce.
Maybe I am not thinking straight on this matter but I doubt it, I am rarley wrong and if she says I am it's bam upside the head and then I am right again.
As long as I am here any of you loose women want to go on a date with me you pay for dinner and I might give you sex afterward.

This is a true story of love and redemption. I think you guys will dig it.

This morning was a late morning, I was going into work a little later than usual so I could make a stop at my optometrist. The cat did not try to sleep on my face, so I slept well and I slept late, having wonderful dreams of children drowning under river ice and being swept downstream while their parents cried, screamed and ran along the shore hoping in vain to retrieve their little ones from the savage current. Of course all the children drowned in my glorious dream and I awoke feeling happy and warm. Without hurry, I petted my cat, Mugsy, the little kitty cannibal responsible for the dissappeaence of most of my neighbors pets, and bumbled off to the shower in a golden haze, remembering the expressions of my dream children, turning blue under the ice. I was in such a happy mood as I walked back into my room from the shower, wet, warm and feeling like I had just crawled out of the womb. I entered my room and wondered at the faint smell of shit. Had Mugsy used the litter-box recently? Probably. Nothing to worry about, just turn on the fan. So I fixed some breakfast and begin to eat. That shit smell is awfully strong, isn't it? I peeked inside the catbox. The sand is as clean as the sands in a Japanese zen garden. Uh-oh.

The cat was sitting proudly on my chair, basking in the sun. I looked down at the bed and saw there on the comforter cover that I had just washed last night THE MOST INCREDIBLE PILE OF CAT SHIT EVER LAID. Huge steaming turds in a pool of vaguely gelatinous brown sphincter glop. A foul blackish-brown nest of reeksome cat grogans in the PLACE WHERE I REST MY TIRED HEAD AT NIGHT! I turned and fix an iron like gaze on the furry little shit-bag. I bellowed "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!" and pointed at the mound of crap freshly deposited on my bed. Mugsy hissed at me, as if to say "I'm tough, macho kitty and I can shit where I like."
Wrong, asshole.
I grabbed the loathsome cat by the throat and held him up in the air, inches from my nose, his feet dangling, eyes bulging. SLAP! "BAD CAT!!" SLAPP!! "BAD!" BAP-A-SLAP-A-SLAPP!! "YOU DON'T *SHIT* IN MY BED!!!!!"
He growled, being Mister-tough-kitty, but I growled back and swung the stupid feline puss-wad in a wide arc and slammed his head into the fresh shit-heap on my comforter. I ground his fat, furry face into the pile until his head looked like a feline fecal-mound with glowering yellow eyes. Then I flipped him over and grapped a few of the solid Feline Feces and started cramming them down his gawdammned throat. I filled his mouth with cat-shit-glop and got at least two big, solid turds down him. "EAT IT! EAT IT YOU FURRY FUCK!" I scooped more shit up, pried his mouth open and slopped it
in. "THIS FOOD DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT, TIME TO GIVE IT A TRY AGAIN!!!" Then I flipped him over and mopped as much of the crap and glop up as I could with his body, coating him head to tail in shit.

I then carried my now shit-coated-cat down to the front door and booted him out the front door. He hit my fundamentalist christian neighbor's car and went skidding across the top of her white convertible caddy, leaving a blackish smear of cat-shit behind him as he scrabbled for a foothold and scratched her roof. He came to a stop on the hood and immediately puked up a steaming load of vomit and freshly swallowed cat-shit all over the windshield, the hood and into the air intake grill of her white caddy.
My hands where covered in catshit, so I went upstairs, cleaned up the room and took another shower. I was half dressed when I heard the scream out on the street.
My cat was sitting on the white caddy, trying to clean himself. Lick, lick...PUKE! Lick, lick, lick.....PUKE!! The hood, the ragtop, in fact most of the car was covered with little piles of a vile mixture of cat vomit and shit. And running down the street towards the cat and the caddy, screaming her fool head off, was the owner of the car, my fundamentalist christian neighbor. I was damned glad that Mugsy was so covered in dung that she would not be able to see whose cat it was that was befouling her car. She tried to threaten the cat and scare him off the car, but he'd had enough of being intimidated for the day. He fluffed up what of his fur wasn't matted down with liqui-cat-shit, flattened his ears, hissed at her and swung a shit encrusted paw full of claws at her, flinging feline feces at his attacker.
Just then, the neighbor must have realized what the cat was covered in and what he was covering her car in and what he was slinging at her. She let out a pitiful wailing cry and ran back down the street to her house burbling something about Jesus. Mugsy went back to the work of cleaning himself and barfing up shit, hair and bile all over her car. By this time I was on the floor having hysterics and could barely control myself. But, it was getting late, I was missing my optometrist appointment, and I wanted to get the hell out of there before the neighbor got a hose and sprayed my cat down revealing who he is and who owns him. So I finished getting dressed and ran down to my car, got in and speedily drove away before I was detected.

So all day I have been wondering if I still love my cat. Yeah, he shit on my bed, and I could fucking kill that bung-fucker for that, but after I had slapped him around and humiliated him, he took the opportunity provided by being covered head to tail in shit to utterly traumatize my neighbor and destroy her cadillac. That's just so beautiful.

"Death and her Substitute"

At a junior college in South central Kansas there is an introductory course taught by Death. The course, Basics in Animal Husbandry, is transferable to most major Universities, except for a few small liberal arts colleges who are skeptical of Death's academic qualifications. At least once, but usually two or three times, during every semester, Death would be absent from class. In her place was always the same man, who simply announced himself as Death's Substitute. He spoke with a strong southern accent, was very overweight, and told stories about his wacky shopping mishaps at discount stores to highlight his lessons. The next day Death would be back in class, excusing her absence because of some cold or flu. Then the class would laugh, to which Death would respond with a slight smile, because we had all seen the mornings news about some plane crash or earthquake, and knew what she'd really been up to.

"Bouncy, Bouncy"

Music fills the room, forcing all the furniture, dust, and excess molecules into the hallway. If I had a broom, I might try to clear some space by sweeping the sounds into a newly designed dustpan. Don't ask about the design, it's a secret and you and all your gossip hounding ways could get you in a peck of trouble. I'm not saying all music is trash, just anything with a guitar noise or semi-rhythmic droning or squeals. I'm also not particularly fond of the room filling capabilities of torture based bone scraping, but I'm willing to make concessions as long as the game is short and the hotdogs are relatively fresh and warm. You might be wondering about the connections between hotdogs and music. Both have consumer based pricing structures and both gush a thick mucousy liquid that when condensed and processed turns into colorful yet sun protecting ointments. They won't protect from the sun's rays, mind you, just its oppressive crime racket, and those bumbling meathead hoodlums.

hmm...I dont no much about love but I do no quite a bit about self love. Wrote a song about it, like to hear it?

hear it goes:

There is a piece of me
Which is like no other
The feeling I get
Is nothing short of orgasmic

Shoot and shoot and shoot
it goes...
making a mess of my room
the bad goes with the good

Sometimes lube is what I need
and other times, there's nothing
that helps stop the chafing
god how I try

I don't need no walls around me.
And I don't need no drugs to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No, Don't think I need anything at all.
All in all, it was all just the bricks in the wall.
All in all, it was all just the bricks in the wall.

Come on, step inside, and you will realize.
Tell me what you need, tell me what to be.
What you envision you'll see -- what do you expect of me?
I can't live this... lie.
Hate! I sing my words, I've thought that feeling,
with your life's dead bodies everywhere.
You really want me to be a good son.
Why? You make me feel like no one.

----
I think we can all agree that the first part is the strongest. I can post the guitar tabs to this too if you like. Here's another poem:

self-love
self-love
I'd rather be
pulling on my peter
than be a wank
that posts to this board
reg-u-lar-ly

I really love my lawn tractor but the blades are dull and I can not remove them I think the bolt is metric but I don't have any metric sockets. would you think less of me if I used vicegrips on my beloved lawn tractor or would that be degrading to it.You guys seem to know all about love so I sure hope you can help me my grass is getting angry with me for using a faulty lawn impliment to trim it.
I await your wisdom, your special friend Mobius

[To Mobious]

Try the vice grips. I'm sure it won't mind:)

------------------------ZoE

"map of the universe"

There are these lines and a bunch of numbers. In fact, you probably couldn't count them all. Of course you couldn't, unless you had a really big brain and a billion bug-like eyes. Then and only then could you map the universe.

My Turtle By Mobius Analcakes

I have a turtle named clovis he is special to me when I get home from work he jumps on me with glee.I take clovis for walks and car rides and he sleeps right by my side.
Clovis never speaks with anger in his words he is different from the birds .Clovis is a true friend indeed a friend when I am truley in need.Clovis does not live in a box Clovis does not like to be hit with rocks.He is not a cat and he is too small to make a good hat.The love of a good turtle is rare I sure wish I had a pair.Some day clovis will depart and there will be a large hole in my heart.
So next time you leave a bar and waffle a turtle in your car think of clovis for he is my shining star.

I met a girl last night at the local animal testing lab she seems nice but she enjoys torturing small animals with different chemicals.Do you think I should date this girl I don't think she is dangerous to humans and she has very large breasts which is something I look for in a woman.
I would hate to not give her a chance and find out she is my true soulmate.She is a bit overweight but I think people that go strictly on looks are shallow, but again I stress those wonderfull hulabangers she has.
Now a days I worry about sexualy transmitted diseases though so do you think I would offend her if I asked her to go the the clinic and have her box looked at or if I just asked her to let me sniff it before I dated her.
I have not dated many women that I did not have to pay first so I don't want to make an ass out of myself this could be true love. I just hope she does not have a penis I don't think I could ever get used to that.
Please offer me some advice
your special friend Mobius

have a commentitious and nullibiquitous day

Ok friends I have a problem and I need your advice.my mother has a prolapsed uterus and it looks like something a disgruntled taco bell worker would serve you.How can I convince her to stop wearing short pants and leaving that mess hanging out all over the place with out upsetting her.
I do not want to hurt her feelings but I can no longer listen to the flaps banging against her thighs when she walks nor can I stand the sight of those disgusting folds swinging around between her legs.Now keep in mind she is my mother so the tactic of "mom your uterus is disgusting" will not work here.
If anyone knows a kind way to tell mother to cover up that spine chilling sight without hurting her feelings please let me know.
have an allochroous day your friend to the end Mobuis

I have a wart covered rectum so I yell "fire on the rim" before I defficate to warn all on coming traffic and keep the sanctity of my anus in proper perspective.
LOVE IS FOR LOOSERS PROSTITUTION IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO corintians 12:34 verse 2 chapter 1

I just want to say that I am really sorry for all the hurtful things I have said on the blender board. It was just my way of getting back at what I once thought a cold cruel world. It's not easy being a young gay man in america today. When I saw that episode of Ellen, I decided to come out of the closet too, I believed what Ellen said and I thought that society would except and love me for what was inside of me. But it didn't, and now my life is falling apart and I guess that I just had to take it out on someone.

Once again, I am truly sorry and with all my heart I ask you for your forgiveness, I will try to forgive myself, that will be the hardest part. Can you guys help me think of a new name, I'm not ready to use my own.

Well now I am touched in more ways than one.I would like to thank a few people who helped me get here today.First I would like to thank my mother who had forsight to consume 2 bottles of gin per day while she was pregnant with me.Without fetal alcohol syndrome I don't know where I would be today.I would like to thank Clovis for putting up with me while I spent the long hours behind the computer he is a turtle among turtles.I would like to thank Cedric my dealer for supplying me with the ilegal drugs I need to keep my teeth healthy and white.The kind folks at good will who supplied me with these fine garments to wear on this special ocassion.And last of all a few slightly off base individuals at the web forum that told me about this special place you know who you are so I don't have to incriminate you my mentioning any names.To have a forum named after me is a true honor and it gives me a feeling I can only describe as similar to hemerhroids but with out the pain and bleeding.
I will charrish this day for the rest of the evening and perhaps a few hours into tomorrow.Thank you thank you all I wont forget you when they bring me in for questioning.

have a scrobiculated day your humble servant Mobius

ODE TO A BLADDER WORM by Mobius Analcakes

Im in he's in she's in I live my life in urine there I was all comfy and cozy then the doctor started to get nosey.
OUT damn bladder worm out I say, from the doctor i did hear then the chemicals started to appear.A fear I got so I swam for the spout and now I swim in water that is cold and clear.This new home I hate a destination I await, then came the sound and I started to swirl around.Into the dark cold tunnel I go being swept by the flow.Faster and faster down this pipe I slide wondering what is on the other side.Then comes the light a truly welcome sight.I am in a lake and for the comfort of the bladder I ache but alas I can not so back inside.Little bladder worm little bladder worm home you will never go and no one will ever find out that your name is moe.

Ok so I dated the girl I asked you all about a few days ago we went and saw a movie something about testing construction adhesive on hampsters.It did not have much of a plot but the special effects were pretty good.Any way afterwards we went to dinner, that woman can suck the meat off a cow from 20 paces and still have room for pie.After I spent all the money I had with me to feed her we ended up back at her house.She has a shelf with hundreds of jelly jars containing various rodents at first I thought this a bit odd but knowing her job is testing chemicals on rodents I passed it off as part of her work. But when she asked me if I wanted to have sexual relations with her in front of the rodents a bell went off in my head that said "hey there is something a bit wrong here". Now I kind of like this woman as long as I do not have to feed her again but the sex and rodent thing is just something I don't know if I can get used to.How can I explain to her that I can not do that and still end up getting some? Do you think it would be wrong to ask her to put socks over the jars before hand. I just do not know how to handle this problem in an intelligent manner with out offending her or loosing out on a chance to get something in return for the 2 hundred dollar swill feast I had to pay for.Since you are all experts on affairs of the heart I am hoping you can offer some helpfull advice to me.

your soul mate Mobius

by the way have an oleaginious day

Ok I am sure some of you have noticed I have not posted for a while but before you get angry with me anD acuse me of abandoning you let me explain. I am sure some of you remember I am dating a little fudge bucket I met at the animal testing lab.Well we finaly had sex the other night I convinced her to cover the jars of rodents she has in her house. Any way we were going at it hot and heavy and then she decided she wanted to get on top for a while.Well I sensed impending doom however I agreed to it just to make my little honeyknuckles happy.
Well as she rolled over on to me her elbows both collapsed allowing the full structure of her elephantine body to come crashing down on me. This sudden increase in pressure caused my spleen to squirt out of my rectum and land on the night stand next to the bed.To my horror my little love chunks told me she would like to keep the spleen in a jar on the shelf next to her pickled rodent collection.Well this was more that I was ready for and I reacted in a way I now deeply regret.I took a ball peen hammer and smashed all the jars on the shelf letting the little fellows spill to the floor.
Needless to say Henrietta was very upset and she proceeded to the freezer and pulled out a 5 gallon pail of rocky road ice cream which she consumed in a matter of 3 or 4 gulps.
Not being satisfied with this little snack she began to look at me in a way that made me very nervous.At this point I decided if I wanted to leave her apartment with as many limbs as I arrived there with I had better make tracks for the door. After I left there I proceeded to the hospital with my spleen tucked into my sock where I hid it and had it reinstalled. I sure miss my hard featured friend but I just do not know how I can ever apoligize for the damage I caused to her jars of vermine. I sent her a side of beef with a nice card but she failed to respond how can I get my hippokins back.
Please I am serious this time I just don't know if I have the strength to go on with out her any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

your heart broken pal MOBIUS.

Am I ever embarresd please excuse that capitol d used improperly.You probably all think I am some sort of idiot now.It will never happen again I promise this from the bottom of my now broken heart.

huggs and snuggles MOBIUS

It has been a bad week for me yesterday my trusted companion Clovis passed on to a better place.Clovis was a true turtle among turtles and I loved him as much as life itself.As I was scraping his insides out to make an ashtray out of his shell I thought to myself "why do mirrors make every thing look backwards" and it made me realize just how short life can be. It is not often in life we run across a truly special person that you feel an almost religious connection to, and I feel blessed to have had that opportunity with Clovis he will be missed.As a former bed wetter myself I can say don't worry you will grow out of it I am now 36 years old and have not had a late night accident for over 9 months now.However I must remind you that although money is nice to have it can not buy love it can only rent it for an hour or so.Remember this next time you are hiding under the couch when you see the jahovas wittness walking up your driveway.I have learned much about life from the time I spent with my beloved Clovis and even in his departing he left me with the things I need to make this wonderfull soup.
I just want to thank you all for making me see just how wonderfull love can be and I am going over to see henrietta after I finish this letter to try and patch things up with her I will let you all know how it goes.

I love love and all its related attatchments
your devoted pal Mobius

I met a nice dwarf on monday at first I thought we would just be friends but over the last few days I have found myself more and more attracted to her.I still love henrietta but I also think I am in love with this new girl. On the plus side she is not as large as henrietta but I find myself always stepping on her as she runs in and out between my legs.Another plus is she is far less expensive to feed and care for.So far I have not found anything strange about her except for the fact that she is a republican.
I don't know what to do here Henrietta and I do have a bit of a history already and I spent 97 dollars on new jars of rodents for her.But there is just something about those club feet on this new woman that drives me wild.
Should I come clean with henrietta and tell her what is going on? keep in mind she is rather large and could hurt me pretty bad if she so decided. Would it be in bad taste to invite them both over at the same time and introduce them to each other? again henrietta being rather large and hungry all the time might see shlowetha as a yet untapped source of food.
I bet sex with both of these women at the same time would be a magical experience just like the circus.
You wonderfull people have always helped me in the past and I am hoping you can again.
your perplexed friend Mobius

anon I see no reason to bring my dada into this he raised me to be the best he could.It was difficult for him being that he was heavily sedated most of the time but it kept him from causing harm to his fellow patients.Sure on occasion when I would visit him he would mistake me for a telephone solicitor but that happens to every one some time in their lives.I am proud of the fact that he no longer requires restraints and I belive he is making great strides in his attempt to regain his right to mingle with the general population.
What ever I may have said to offend you in the past I am sorry for but please refrain from taking shots at my dada he never did anything to hurt you. I sure hope mom remains in her alcoholic fog long enough for your post to drop from this board I am afraid if she read that it would be very distressfull for her and it might cause her to resume her heroine addiction.I do not want to have to chain her in the cellar for 5 months again that was a terrible chapter in my life.
Please put more thought into your post next time so that you do not hurt innocent people.Thank you for your cooperation in advance.

your mildly upset friend Mobius

To Quiet onlooker are you saying you have not taken my previous post seriously.I come here for advice on my love life and I find you are all laughing at me behind my back.
I am going to have to take a hard look at how much of your advice I use from now on.Maybe I would not be in this position with henrietta and the dwarf if I did not listen to you guys maybe you are not the professionals I first thought you were. I am afraid I will need a few days to think this over this is worse that the day I pulled out all my teeth with pliars to enact my get rich scheme only to find out the tooth fairy did not exist.