* Kirk Rambles Regarding Romance

It seems that real romance is hardly ever simple.

There are a couple questions about romance that I'm in the process of trying to work through:

One ideal partner?

I can't believe that there is only one person out there who is the ideal match. It sounds unromantic to say, but it just doesn't seem reasonable. I mean, I hope it's not the case... or else I should be afraid to start any new relationship if I have any doubts whatsoever... and I believe that if you don't have any doubts, you might just be fooling yourself.

The line between friendship and romance

I really don't like the line drawn between "boyfriend/girlfriend" and "just friends". It seems so silly... plus it tends to make everything so black and white. For me, all of life is in shades of gray, you know?

But then I worry... maybe I'm just looking for more people to kiss. That doesn't seem to explain it all though. I love the Louis Armstrong line "I see friends shaking hands / saying 'how do you do?' / they're really saying / I love you." I think that's a much healthier view of relationships. I think it's ok if there's a bit of flirting in every relationship you have, no matter your sexual orientation. Not a lot, neccesarily, but a touch.

Why do strong feelings always seem to be so non-symmetrical?

I think it has something to do with the 'grass-is-greener' syndrome: it's much harder to see the flaws and imperfections when you're being kept at a distance. But that only explains half of it, why people are always after the people they can't have. People can sometimes be afraid of being loved, that might explain the other half of it. Or maybe they're looking for a challenge, they feel a need to dig and claw for love, not accept when its handed to them like an offering. Or maybe they're too busy looking with a critical eye at the ones who love them, thinking 'should I try to do 'better' than this?'

Or maybe I'm just guessing.

Am I really a romantic?

I think I might be. People reading this page seem to think I am. I think there might be different types of romanticism. The type that seems most common doesn't ask a lot of questions. It believes in the One True Love. It sees love as love and friendship as friendship. It writes poetry.

I write prose. I see love as beautiful but confusing and many leveled. I find beauty in the melancholy and bittersweet. I don't believe in the one true love, although I know at least one person who thinks I act as if I do.

What's the connection between Chance, Fate, and Romance?

I believe in chance more than I believe in fate. I don't believe any two people were meant to be together. And I do know how sometimes random, chaotic events can play a disproportionate role in what relationships blossom and which ones never get a chance. A shared class, an arbitrary decision to spend another 20 minutes at a dull party, a sudden discovered interest in a musician... but we have to trust that it all balances out, that chance oportunities will be there, and that the ones we miss will be balanced by the ones we find.

How do people manage to fall out of love?

I wish I knew.

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Kirk Is
kisrael@cs.tufts.edu
last modified 22 July 1996