By laurel ahlfeld drama_queen_ja@hotmail.com
Date: 7 July 2000
Cabaret
Unnamable persons are silhoutted by a blanket of haze. The same smokey atmosphere fills my lungs and chokes down all my fears along with a familiar longing for all my unattainable desires. A dull roar creeps through the cracks in the dressing room door as the house begins to fill with spectators of all kinds. I can already pinpoint the vicinity of a drunken party and make a mental note to be cautious. A memory of the one who taught that trick to me tries to sneak to the surface. I inhale deeply and swallow it back down and continue in my ritual grooming. I carefully apply layer after layer of someone else to my face and inside of my own self at the same time. Concentration is intense but a knock breaks the silence of our vehemence. A cast call is announced in fifteen minutes. We scurry to put the final touches on the new beings we have just become and scramble into costume and up the dark stairway to meet the other half of our company. We quickly discuss concerns and disperse to opening places. The grand
drapery rises and so does our energy. It peaks for two hours as we become what we are not and all we could ever wish to be. Glasses clank, cheers cry out, and our job is a success. The curtain comes down and our masks fall to the ground. As we trudge back to a world of reality and drift slowly back into our own selves my unattainable desires hit me full force. I cannot hide behind my fantasy any longer. You are there in my heart. There's no use in washing off the face of a character, the tears have already done it for me. The emptiness consumes me. You're still not here. Not for me or my character. Sometimes I think if I could put on an act for the few hours I see you, maybe you could love me again someday. But I know it is not true. So I swallow the dull pain down one more time and act like I simply do not care. It makes my time awake when I cannot escape to scenery and character somewhat easier. But in dreams, I cannot hide in a world of cabarets.
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