By optimistic_pessimist85@yahoo.com
Date: 21 July 2000
Exerpts from my life.
*fear*
Nails dig into my flesh, and i bite down so hard i taste my own blood.
Calm resolve to stay blank, no one loses if no one fights.
Avoid the eyes,..avert your own, concentrate on the linolium.
Fast paced, slow down deep breath, and brace yourself.
Hand makes contact, sharp sensation on the left side of the face, not my own anymore.
It brings feeling, but relieves me of emotion.
Frustrated hands itch to return the feeling, to share the taste of blood and rage.
*Blind Rage*
Must control, must leave myself staring standing there defensless against a higher power.
Afraid of the physical pain, but more so of my emotional response to it.
No more tears, just wild senseless energy, and a desperate inner conflict to prevent it from finding a week point and escaping.
Keep eyes averted,..concentrate on the fading patterns of the linolium laid at a lighter time.
Why is it my fault?, when did i hurt so much to recieve this hurt now?
Things moving too fast, can't think, can't move, the solid feel of the smooth, cold, uncomforting wall supporting me.
The instant of eternity that control was absent is gone, and i am still standing in the dim flourescent lights.
*Shock*
No, not standing physically, i collapse on that linolium that had helped me through this.
No tears, but my face is strangely wet, blood.
Change this life, am i really here?, what just happened to me?, can i recover?
Nothing, nothing touches me where it should, I feel drained, my feeling went with my rage and my unshed tears.
My arms lay usless around my knees, I can't move anymore, I don't think I want to move anymore.
The cabinet handle digs into my back, but somehow, it's comforting, no longer painful, I need to feel.
Realization hits,..and I am shaken out of this enshrouding haze, but do I really want to leave it?
*Recovery*
Plant my feet, take on my weight, stand.
Knees shake, but my mind is clear as i walk slowly down the dimly lit hallway toward my room.
I see my reflection in the mirror at the end of the hallway, but I know it's not me.
I have survived, and i will continue to survive, this feeling of nothingness is the scariest part.
It's safer though, i want an escape, but reality is reality, no point in crying.
The tears that never seem to come are drowning me from the inside out.
I light some candles,..burning myself with the sulfur match to make sure i can at least feel that.
*Realization*
I get lost in the music that i turned on without knowing it, almost automatically.
I think about all the "sorrys", and the "Never agains".
I know that it's your escape, and i won't take it from you because it can't hurt me anymore, it's just your relief.
I know that i must live as i sink farther into my cool, unused sheets, and let my head rest on the well-worn pillow.
I think about your definition of love, and I understand you, so well,..
but there is one thing i don't understand....
YOU SAY YOU DO THIS BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME??
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