By KtG Miloko007@hotmail.com
Date: 3 July 2000
From The Inside Out (My Painted Egg Shell)
I fancied myself in love, with a painted eggshell. A decorative façade, held in high esteem. A charming wit. A cheeky grin, like so many painted smiles, not the whole picture. Then I grew to know the child, cowering beneath the long leather coat. I grew to hear the sighs and the aching empty longing behind the fixed grin and the makeup of the constant jester. I learned that all that cool, all that outside that had captivated me, was all about acceptance. It was all about feeling ugly and a fool. It was all about needing the recognition of others, all the time. My handsome painted eggshell turned to me and said without specific words: "now you are mine you will be a complement to me". I refused the dresses and the shoes, I refused the hair cut and the dancing lessons. I refused the spa membership and the mobile phone. I said I'd rather wear my second hand clothes and walk, even if I was late. I thought the sighing child loved me enough to let me teach him that the outside wasn't important. But he was scared that he'd shown me his depth and even though we had a connection, he seemed scared of his own depth. He used to call me all night just to talk to me, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. He wanted something to show off. Like on all those trashy U.S talk shows where women get up and objectify themselves - "look at this", they say, "I'm all that". Well I'm not "all that" and I'm not "this", I'm me, I'm somebody not something. I didn't want expensive jewellery. I just wanted him to except me, the way I learnt to except him, from the inside out.
© KtG 2000
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