By sue: reznorpup@nine-inch-nails.zzn.com
Date: 19 July 2000
lies
the darkest hours of night fill up my room, suffocating my existance and no one is there to pull me into the light. i think of you and slowly the darkness receeds a bit and i can breath a little better. how will i live if there is no chance for us? how will i breath knowing you'll never touch me? or maybe you'll agree and i'll get to hold you and never let you go. the answer determines my entire mind set forever.
that scares me.
i would completely explode if you said ok. i can't even imagine my reaction.i have saved my life, to give to you, if you want it. if you don't, and throw it all away, i must find a way to move on and deal with the waves of nausea that flood my stomach when i think about never getting to touch you...
night time is when you come alive in my mind. i freeze all the lies to put me to sleep. i feel a surge of warmth, shot from emotions that exceed to exist no where but in my delusion. lonley. a mind that has no words to express how dead and empty it's heart feels without you. a heart that feels heavy and has tried to love others but always comes back to you and it cant seem to tell you like it needs to. that it needs you to warm it and hold it and show it that someone will care.
but now it is stuffed in a corner where i cant hear it's weeping and i cant see the pain. if nothing comes from this i will have to hear the torured cries and feel the pounding in the sleepless nights when all i can think about is how good your arms feel around me and the drop of my stomach when i remember i will never feel that or the hope it could be more ever again. and i will shudder when i remember the words that tore me down and broke me. i cannot pretend anymore that this will go away, that this is a phase or something i can ignore.
i need to know one way or the other.
i cant live.
i cant love.
i cant be who i am supposed to anymore. i like who i am and how i feel when i am with you. i love how your eyes cling to mine and softly breath life back into my lungs. but if i have to live without that, i need another survival plan that is more practical and less meaningful. if i cant need you, i need to replace that pain with something less damaging. something i wont give 100% of myself to. something i cant entirely lose myself in when i am in it's presence.
i am so afraid there is nothing for me to grasp onto to take away the hurt inside. i will become the empty shell of the gorgeous creature that once inhabited my heart. leaving me empty and faded on the sand. waves of nothing wearing away my detail until i am plain and colorless and no one wants to pick me up and take me home.
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