By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 13 August 2000

A Ring of Truth

when you placed the blue translucent ring on my finger
I realized the symbolism and absolute truth
"There's a tear trapped inside!"
you had noticed, too
it was the only ring like that
               in the basket

        ....I told you that the best God story I had ever heard
was that He collects each tear that falls from our eyes in pretty glass bottles of every color so that when we die and see Him in Heaven we will know He noticed every tear and regarded each one as a thing of beauty

you were there, my darling
when I was a little girl and cried myself to sleep
because my daddy gave me the distinct impression
that he wished I had been my mom's second abortion
and you were there when I went to my first junior high dance
and came home and cried because no one had asked me to dance
I remember sitting alone on a bench in the courtyard in my
black and white dress
gazing up at the moon
wondering if It
would ever happen
for a mousy wallflower like me

      and you were there, I know
                  when I said,"No...please...no"
         but lost my virginity, anyway
      to some guy named Lee (an Aries 11 years my senior)
          after hours of cheap wine and weed

they lied
and I cried
and took no pride
in the ballerina inside
only wanting to find some peace
and dignity and grace
in an MTV lust crazy Hey Baby crave me enslave me cyber rave world
          where gray is swirled with blood red
I bled
as I broke bread with Judas
and I was unable to elude
the guards

you were there.
you were there when I was pregnant and puking up communion and
gum dye.
you were there when I was laughing without humor.
"So this is what it feels like to be Cinderella. Whose version is
THIS?!! I'm calling my lawyer. Can foodstamps buy a lawyer? fuck
fuck FUCK!!!"
yes
you were
there
when I sang "Silent Night" to my newborn daughter
on the anniversary of Jim Morrison's birthday in 1996
yes
you were
there
when I looked out the window at the sunset and
said
(over and over again...like Frances Farmer)
"I'm sorry, Father...I can't let her go."
you were there
when I
let
her
go.

and you were there all the times after that
when with scissors and a glue stick and construction paper
I tried to bring it all back home

you were there
you were the hope I was too haunted to hold onto
with both hands

the night I cried on your deck
looking at the black trees and constellations
I cried because I knew
and you knew, too

thank you for wiping
the snot from my nose.
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