By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 16 August 2000

Chanteuse

By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Submitted by Misti Velvet Rainwater

It began, as you know, with a pregnant woman's craving
which I love
'cause I was a pregnant woman once
and I remember craving sesame chicken and chocolate milkshakes
from Whataburger...bless my sweet lil heart

yes, she was pregnant and poor and craving the rampion in the
garden that she eyed from her window
and this was not at all good
because the garden, you know
belonged to a malefic witch
oh, life was a bitch that was always having puppies!

her poor husband he worked
his peon ass off to bring home the gruel
but with the clever cruelty of her gender
...a leftover from Eve, I believe
she wheedled and whined and whimpered
and wrung her hands and tore at her hair
until her hero relented
and tiptoed into the witch's garden one night
for to steal some rabbit food

then, duh, he got caught by the witch herself
and, duh, she was unforgiving
but luckily for him she had always wanted
a baby to ruin
just for the hell of it
so he got off easy
two birds with one stone
he didn't die
and he wouldn't have to be a daddy, after all

I'm sure his wife was unhappy with the news
but he probably said something along the lines of
Look, Bitch...you got your damn rampion
so shut up and eat
he couldn't have had much of an imagination
all things considered

so, yeah, the witch got the baby
and as it turned out
the baby was a girl
bless her sweet lil heart
and for reasons I forget
the witch cursed her with the name Rapunzel

and Rapunzel grew into a beautiful babe
a hottie, I'm sure
with looooong flowin' hair the color of
sunlight on wheat stalks in Iowa
or some such shit
and big innocent cornflower blue eyes
that had never seen a penis
because the witch decided to stick her in a tower
there were no penises up there
just books and a harp
she had to have somethin' to play with, I guess
besides herself

and this is the BEST part, believe me
Rapunzel sang all the time
she sang pretty and pure
and the lyrics were poetic and deep
because it was her sexual expression, see
it was her coo to the cosmos
it was her libido unleashed and uncensored
and taking no prisoners
because she was one herself
and everybody knows that prisoners and birds in gilded cages
have the best voices

she sang as she combed her virgin hair
no home perm or curling irons or blow dryers or bleach for this chic
oh, no
she never had a bad hair day
she was born beautiful and stayed that way and that is why
the ugly witch put her ass in a tower

this is anticlimactic, but one day a prince was riding his
horse in the woods nearby
and he heard Rapunzel singing
a song about her breasts and vagina
and how happy they made her
and even though she was a whiz with the metaphors
(plump rosy twins, wild butterfly...whatever)
the prince, he knew right away what she was singing about
and this turned him on beyond BELIEF
and to make matters worse
he saw her throw her hair out the window
so the witch could climb up
...he stroked his beard thinking,"Hmmm...she seems to like sex, this
girl, and she has a really pretty braid and she obviously cares about
her grandmother enough to endure the headache. I want her."

where else could this story go?
of course the prince climbed up Rapunzel's hair
and of course they played checkers
and fed each other grapes
and took the Kama Sutra one page at a time
what else, what else

but this is the best part
the witch found out
got pissed
chopped off Rapunzel's hair
threw the prince out the window
he landed in the thorns
and was inevitably blinded
and despite all of this
Rapunzel found the prince again one day
while strollin' through the wilderness
and she was so happy she cried
as she embraced her beloved
and because her tears were shed from the depths
of her heart which really and truly
longed for union and consumation with the darling prince
he was healed
yes. he regained his sight.
so, you know, they got married and lived in a castle
and Rapunzel's hair grew back
more lustrous than ever.



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