By sarah iristakeroot@powerlynk.com
Date: 16 August 2000
moment of truth
i thought hope a thing of childhood
when you hoped for the icecream
your mother sacked away in the fridge
or the money in her purse
for the cornerstore candy
and hope grew as i grew
from a willful child to a timid and quiet
young girl, curious but self aware and frustrated
hope changed, from objects to people
and i put hope in people and decided
that i was going to change the world one day
or maybe if i was lucky become the first female
president, and make the history books
i dreamed with stars in my eyes and in
poetic measure
now i wish for that hope again for that innocent hope
the kind that didn't keep you up at night
crying and wondering how you were going to make it
through the next day
or where the money was going to come from to get
out of the next day and put you in another
i joked with friends at playing in traffic
asking them with a sardonic grin to run me over
hoping that someone would end it for me cause i couldnt
i screamed and i cried to my mother to god to anyone
because this is not what my life was and is supposed to be
i'm not supposed to be heartbroken over love
i'm supposed to have graduated from college
i'm not supposed to be in debt and i am supposed to have
a good roomate and a running car
big damn ball of truth knotted in my chest
with the strings tied around my heart and my voice
strangling them, choking them and turning them black
and rotted
my puffy eye mornings, red rimmed lids
and knowing that i'm on my own in the true sense
and that to su rvive is my sole purpose right now and to live
is my only choice and to make this work is also the only choice
no one to fall back on but myself no one to love but myself
and foremost, and maybe if that works if this turns out
there will be someone else to love
i used to hate myself and think that i was a horrible person
because god didn't seem to be smiling on me
he doesn't seem to smile on many people, so much for a benevolent god
that shot my private school days to hell didn't
for naut at least
and maybe i've lost my innocence, and maybe i don't look like i'm 16 anymore
(actualy i probably do, just like i'm strung out on crack though)
i became a woman last night and not in the terms of losing myself
to the man of my dreams of giving it up for love
but last night i came to a crossroads and i decided i had to survive
and that life takes everything away from you
but i have love yet and i can love myself and maybe one day there will
be another person to love
and maybe htis is all teaching me to love someone better
to love someone no matter what happens because life is like the wind you
play with when racing down a highway, you try to capture it in your hand
or curve its motion, butyou can never tame it or bring it under your rule
just like love, it will take you one day, but you can't take love
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