By Paul Joannides
Date: 14 August 2000

The Good, Bad, & Ugly

When you enter into a marriage or long-term relationship, the chances
are good that you will discover hidden but wonderful aspects of your
partner's character. Cherish, respect and admire these. To deal with
the less fortunate parts of your sweetheart's character, consider the
following:
1. Learn how to fight constructively. This means that no matter how
nasty or unpleasant your fights might be, try to keep them issue-oriented
so you can work your way toward a solution or compromise. This is quite
different from fights that revert to name-calling or rehashing past hurts.
These accomplish little, except to degrade whatever dignity you once may
have had.
2. Fighting is preferable to indifference, unless you are getting violent.
3. Every once in awhile, when you feel like wringing your partner's neck,
do something really nice for him or her. This could end up being far more
satisfying than fighting, and it might even get you laid.
4. Instead of blaming your partner for things that are going wrong or
wishing that he or she would somehow change, try to eliminate ways that
you might be setting your partner up to be the bad guy. Also try to
make changes that will help you to be a better or more effective person.
This doesn't mean that you should stay in a relationship that's no longer
working, it just means that the things you control most in a relationship
are those that you put into it. If your efforts to change yourself don't
inspire changes in your partner, then there's not much more you can do.