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By Misti Date: 2001 Oct 27 Comment on this Work [[2001.10.27.16.12.25901]] |
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you love my face, sometimes you caress it look deep into my eyes bless me with an Eskimo kiss even when it's dotted with Clearasil or Pepsodent sometimes...you love my face I've been places facedown in a pillow shamed degraded (and I've always blamed myself) you can't be degraded without denouncing your dignity? I don't know I have been places facedown on the floor I have been ashamed. there were games played with desperation knowing winning wasn't the goal just to be in the game at all to be allowed access was cool by me I was alive because I was noticed maybe it wasn't right a long night splayed out on cement fermented dreams reams of lyrics with no melody a common malady low self-esteem/absent father/verbal abuse doled out daily strange fish in normal pond the square peg the sore thumb mute but not dumb too smart, too much heart I was apart/left of center/a weekly renter I wasn't the same so I played the game knowing winning wasn't my goal know your role I knew mine by rote imagining a castle moat, me as queen I didn't have love so I idealized it wrote stories about it didn't doubt its reality when love finally happened it wouldn't be shabby or gray but white all the way gleaming shining never undermining my inner child my basic wild styled after johnandyoko barbieandken yangandyin I wouldn't pretend. the horror would end! I would wake up relieved after an abnormally long nightmare I would be handled with utmost care, considering the red permanent marker scrawl Fragile Doll Do Not Break I ache when the silence ensues. The familiar silence. The silence I have known all my life. The punishing silence, the violent silence, the silence that makes me smaller than a woman should ever feel. I am real, but you have known this from the beginning. You knew there were scars and war stories to contend with. You knew you'd be competing with menacing phantoms and pretenders to the throne. I burn when I think of it when I remember old hurts and the ways I chose to escape them elude them delude them into thinking they never happened or if they did they only stung a little bit maybe I imagined the shadows I'm such a drama queen I'm such a muchness can you love my face my face that has been places facedown covered up swelled up untouched I don't think you can. |