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By Misti Date: 2001 Nov 25 Comment on this Work [[2001.11.25.21.06.4907]] |
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INT.-Dining Room-Day The family is gathered at the dining room table for their Thanksgiving feast. From the den, a 36 inch television set is emblazoned with the Elvis tour. "That's the Way it Was." Elvis is singing a drugged, half-assed rendition of "Blue Suede Shoes." All of the family members are eating their food with gusto, with the exception of Hector (the step-father), who is watching Elvis with a dazed expression on his face. He's holding his fork up in midair. Peggy: Honey, why don't you turn the t.v. off? (Peggy is Hector's pretty middle-aged wife. This is the fourth marriage for both of them.) Caitlin: That's a winning idea. (Caitlin is Peggy's 26 year old daughter from her first marriage. She has long strawberry blonde hair and amazing green eyes.) Hector: I've never seen this concert before. Peggy: Put a tape in and record it. Shelby: That t.v. is always on. It's driving me crazy. (Shelby is Peggy's 24 year old daughter from her second marriage. She has a lot of permed, bleached hair and a nose ring.) Hector: Yip yip yip. No wonder this is my favorite time of the year. Hey, honey. Fetch me another cold one, if you would. Hector turns the t.v. off with the remote control wand and throws it across the room, barely missing his black lab, Paul Anka. Peggy gets up from the table and heads for the fridge. Takes out a can of Coors Light and brings it to Hector. Matt: This stuffing is fabulous. (Matt is Caitlin's 19 year old boyfriend. He resembles Matt Damon, coincidentally. And he's an impeccable dresser.) Peggy: Thank you. Caitlin: Yeah, Mom. You did good. Shelby: You mean "well." She did well. Hector: Cut that crap out, and I ain't jokin'. We're all Texan here, so let's talk accordingly. Shelby: Being Texan gives us the license to be grammatically and politically incorrect? Dallas: Lighten up, babe. Let's just eat, okay? (Dallas is Shelby's 25 year old husband. He has long brown hair and a goatee. Bears a strong resemblance to Keanu Reeves.) Hector: Don't pretend to be somebody you're not. That's my motto. Caitlin: Oh, really? Then why do you tell everyone you're half-Comanche? Hector: Maybe because I am. Shelby: Your last name is Garcia. You're half-Hispanic, man. Why can't you be honest? Peggy: Ya'll leave Hector alone. Caitlin: Come on, Mom. We're confronting the fact that Hector lies about who he is. Matt: This macaroni and cheese is so...cheesy. I am loving this macaroni and cheese. Dallas: Here, dude. Have some more. Dallas passes the bowl of macaroni and cheese to Matt. Hector: So I'm half-Hispanic. The other half is Comanche. Caitlin: That's interesting. I could have sworn you said your Mom was Irish. Peggy: Drop it. It's not important. Hector: Your daughters sure are high and mighty, honey. One has had one loser boyfriend after another and can't hold down a job and the other is an eternal college student. Caitlin: Where in the hell do you get off? If this is pin the tail on the jackass, you're it. You treat Mom like she's hired help, your own kids don't even talk to you and you still call your ex wives when you've had a few Coors Lights too many. Peggy: Caitlin, that is enough. Shelby: I'd rather be an "eternal college student" than what you are. So you're superior because you've worked at the same refinery for the past thirty years and you can afford to buy a new pickup truck every year? Please. Dallas: Babe, just forget about it. Let's finish eating. Matt: My family is the same way. I'm just here for the food. I can do without the psychodrama. No disrespect, ma'am, but can't we talk about football or something? Peggy: I'm sorry you boys have to hear all this. My daughters and husband aren't usually at each other's throats like this. Shelby: Isn't Thanksgiving the perfect time to open up the closet and watch the skeletons dance? Dallas: This isn't "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"...I know because Hector looks nothing at all like Richard Burton. Hector: Is that a racial slur? I may not be Welsh but I'm a helluva lot better lookin' than Richard Burton ever was. Peggy: Yes, you are. Here, have another roll. Shelby: Don't placate him, Mom. You know, I knew this would happen. This is why I didn't want to come home. But you had to turn on the tears and beg me. You promised me it wouldn't be this way. I should've known better. It never works out. Dallas: That's it, I'm out of here. Dallas gets up from the table and goes out the back door. Matt: Hey, man. Wait for me! Matt follows Dallas out the back door. Shelby: Dallas has no idea what I go through. His parents are still together. They live in the same house they've lived in since he was five. Caitlin: Matt has it as bad as we do. I don't know why he's being such a wimp. It's not like he hasn't been through the same bullshit a thousand times with his folks. Hector: Looks like you'll have to hit the bars again, Caitlin. That fish is swimmin' away. Caitlin: I met Matt at a poetry reading. I met my previous two boyfriends at a spiritual retreat. So you can go to hell. Shelby: So what if she did meet him in a bar? That's where you met our mom. And believe me, Matt isn't going to dump her over this sloppy horror. Caitlin is completely different when she's not in Hector and Peggy Land. Hector: Hector and Peggy Land? Oh, that's cute. See how much they respect you, honey? Caitlin: God, I wish I was bulimic so I could make myself puke. Shelby: I wish I were a junkie, just for one day. Peggy: I wish I'd taken the Pill. Hector: Me, too. Shelby: No, that wouldn't have worked, Hector. Hector: I meant I wish your mom had taken the Pill, you idiot. Shelby: On that note, I'm going to have to excuse myself. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom and Newest Step-dad. Caitlin: I'm going, too. And I'm taking the pecan pies with me. Caitlin and Shelby walk away. Hector keeps eating. Peggy rubs her temples. |