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By Misti Date: 2001 Nov 26 Comment on this Work [[2001.11.26.10.54.27896]] |
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Jack never believed in magic or the power of love until he met Ernestine. One accidental glance in her direction and he was hooked. Gone. Head-over-heels. Hit right between the eyes with Cupid's famed arrow. But there was one problem and it was substantial. Jack was married to Nancy. It was a loveless, bloodless marriage. The union had been arranged by Nancy's ex-husband and Jack's ex-girlfriend. Barry was sick of Nancy calling his house and leaving sexy messages on his machine and sending balloon bouquets to his office. She was scaring his lovers away. And Hanna was tired of Jack e-mailing her photos of his ass. So Hanna and Barry got together over drinks at TGIFriday's and decided the only way to resolve the problem was by hooking up their tormentors. Jack and Nancy realized on their first date that they needed to be together. Who else would want them? So after eating a romantic dinner at Red Lobster they caught a plane to Vegas and got married in The Little Chapel That Just Don't Quit. They spent their honeymoon in their suite at the Rio. The sex was wonderful. The food wasn't too shabby, either. But after a week of seafood and poker and slot machines and dancing, it was back home to Austin, Texas. The Real World. The Daily Grind. Nancy managed a jewelry store in one of the malls and Jack wrote entertainment reviews for the Austin Chronicle. This required Jack to frequent Sixth Street, the mecca for music lovers and hooker-uppers. This caused problems. Jack was a Leo, a natural sex maniac. And Nancy was a Scorpio, a born towering inferno of scorned woman rage. ...One Saturday night Nancy decided to follow Jack to Sixth Street. On the sly, of course. She didn't trust him. He was way too happy and freaky in bed. So she parked her Jaguar under the overpass and walked a couple of yards behind Jack as he strode toward the famed entertainment district of Austin. Jack walked several blocks. Nancy ignored all the men that were leering at her and silently cursed herself for wearing stilettos. Jack walked away from Sixth Street. Nancy followed him inside Polly Esther's. "Polly Esther's? What kind of name is that?" Nancy muttered beneath her breath. "Five dollars, beautiful," the man at the cash register said. "You're kidding. Why should I pay you five dollars to spy on my husband in a tacky wannabe disco?" "Hey, I don't know about all of that. But no dinero, no disco." "Punk," Nancy hissed, throwing a five dollar bill at the man's steroids enhanced chest. "Thanks. Have fun. Wang chung," the man said with a wink. Nancy went to the bar and ordered a glass of chardonnay. She stood at the edge of the lit up dance floor and watched Jack bump and grind with a nubile twentysomething blonde. ...That was the beginning of the end. From that night on, Jack and Nancy were married in name only. He stayed on his side of the bed with his Penthouse magazines and Nancy stayed on her side of the bed with her vibrator. Then Jack saw Ernestine one particularly live Saturday night on the dance floor. She was amazing. Whirling around with an unbridled lust for la vida loca in her red rayon dress and silver stiletto heels. Her hair whipped around and she smiled a real smile. When she saw Jack staring at her, she winked and licked her lips. Then she laughed. Jack bought her a Heineken. They sat together on the crushed velvet sofa by the bar. When the club closed at four, Ernestine followed Jack to his Ford Taurus. Jack put in his Michael Bolton cd. Ernestine rolled her window down. They ate pancakes at IHOP and then got a room at the Sheraton. They had sex six different ways. Then Ernestine took a shower. As she put her clothes back on, Jack watched in a stupor. "Wait just a second, sweetness. Why are you putting your clothes on? You aren't deserting me, are you?" "Yes, Jack. I must go. But thank you. I had fun. You're a great guy." "That's it? You...you used me? And now you're discarding me like a tampon? I don't get it. I thought we clicked." "We did. But I click even better with my boyfriend. He's in Egypt now but he'll be home soon." "But I think I love you, Ernestine. I'm serious. You aren't like the other women I've known. You're fun and insanely beautiful and sensual and erotic. And I love the cologne you're wearing." Ernestine kissed the tip of Jack's nose with a tender smile. She ruffled his hair and slung her purse over her shoulder. "I think I should go now. Good-bye, Jack." Jack's heart broke and bled. He got a tattoo the next night to make it official. For the next four months, he returned to Polly Esther's, desperately seeking Ernestine. No luck. Finally, Jack couldn't take the pain anymore. He asked Nancy for help. Nancy was a psychic astrologer herbal specialist, on the side. She no longer loved Jack so he knew she wouldn't be offended. She even had a new boyfriend, a trustworthy Taurus named Bob. "So you want a love potion, huh?" Nancy asked with an amused smile. "Yes. I implore you. Help me get this girl." "Do you want to marry her?" "Eventually...sure. Would you mind?" "Not at all. I'll give you a divorce. Bob proposed to me a couple of weeks ago. I didn't want to tell you." "Hey, that's great, Nancy! Bob is such a great guy. I know you'll be happy. He'll be good to you. Unlike me. I don't deserve a woman of your caliber. I'm such a chump. I'm pig manure, I'm-" "Don't grovel, Jack. It makes me uncomfortable. I'll brew you up a potion tonight. I'll work a spell to make Ernestine show up at Polly Esther's tomorrow night. I'll do everything I can to make this work for you." "Oh, Nancy. I love you so much. Maybe you're the one for me, after all." "Definitely not." "I know, I know. I'm just so grateful." ...Jack took the love potion to Polly Esther's the next night. It was contained in a silver flask, which was hidden in Jack's jacket. He sat at his usual table and scanned the dance floor for his One True Love. She never showed. But Jack noticed a luscious blonde dancing alone. He decided to forget about Ernestine. She was probably married by now, anyway. So Jack approached the blonde. "You're an amazing dancer," Jack said into the blonde's ear. She arched her left eyebrow and continued to dance. "Do you mind if I dance with you?" Jack asked. The blonde shrugged. "Can I buy you a drink?" The blonde shrugged. She followed Jack to the bar. "Close your eyes," Jack said, leading the blonde to his table. "Why, so you can spike my drink? I don't think so, mister," the blonde snapped. "Whoa, nothing like that. Nothing at all like that. I was just going to kiss you on your neck. You're so damn sexy, babe." "That's really tacky. We don't even know each other." "I'm Jack." "I'm Jill." "Really? Come on. What's your real name?" "Jill. Pretty strange huh? Jack finally finds Jill." "Yes, he does. Wow. That's too cool." Jill smiled and looked away. Jack quickly pulled out his flask and poured the potion into Jill's Blue Hawaiian. Then he tossed it under the table. "This is so yummy," Jill said, taking a drink of the Blue Hawaiian. "I'm glad. Let's get out of here." ...A few dates later, Jill decided that she loved Jack. Couldn't live without him. So he proposed. At Thanksgiving a few days later, Jill took Jack home to meet her family. "This is my cousin, Ernestine. Ernestine, this is Jack. We're getting married!" It was Ernestine, sure enough. Jack's One True Love. Libra to his Leo. Tears streamed from Jack's eyes as he gazed at the woman he loved over turkey and dressing. Ernestine just smiled. "That's wonderful, Jill. Congratulations to you both. Pass the mashed potatoes, please." |