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By Misti Date: 2002 Jun 14 Comment on this Work [[2002.06.14.13.37.25206]] |
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(she's watching "She's So Lovely") (he's watching, too, as he gets ready for work) him: I know why you like this movie so much. It reminds you of our love triangle. her: Oh, don't start that again. Please. him: Admit it. It reminds you of him. He's the Sean Penn character and I'm John Travolta. her (laughing): Shut up! him: If he came to take you away with him, you'd go with him. her: You're right. I would. And it makes no sense whatsoever. him: So you are thinking of him. I don't believe this. (she's never even met the guy, by the way) her: Forget it. I don't want to talk about it. him: So you're saying you LOVE him??? her: You already knew that. him: I did? I knew you'd sent him a few e-mails. I know that whenever I told you to stop you'd say he was just a good friend. You'd compare me to O.J. Simpson and tell me to back off. So you're saying you love this guy? her: I've given you lots of hints. You remember how it was when we met. I'm always talking about him. I've always been honest with you. I've never been duplicitous. him: Yes you have. So that explains why you've been acting so weird all week. And you made me think it was because you needed to start taking Celexa again. I can't believe this. This is crazy. I need a smoke. (later...darker) her: I feel like a junkie or a crack whore. I am not in my right mind right now. Maybe if I'd stayed on medication and talked to someone and had more of a fucking life this never would have happened. Maybe I'm addicted to butterflies and fireworks. I couldn't sleep all week. I barely ate. It surprises me as much as it surprises you. I honestly don't know where in the hell it came from. I felt like sending him an e-mail, all of a sudden. He didn't say one thing to make me think for a second that it was reciprocated or mutual or that there was any remote possibility of us ever getting together in the real world. This is all me. This is some drama that I've dreamed up. I'm addicted to drama. But that's not true. I'm addicted to him. For whatever reasons. It makes no sense and it's humiliating as hell. I told my mother and grandmother about this on the phone tonight. They think I'm an idiot. They don't understand it. I wish I could just get in the car and drive away. Or get on a Greyhound bus. I'd leave you everything, man. You can have all the furniture. All the art. All the cds. All the books. The fucking TV set. The futon. I don't want anything but the clothes on my back. And my poems. I'd take my poems with me. him: I'm not letting you go. I'm not letting you walk out that door until you have a concrete plan. You can stay here until you figure things out. You'll have to go back to your family for awhile. There's nothing wrong with that. If you left right now you'd be like a bag lady. You have no money. Do you realize how insane this is? her: Yes. I am not functioning on a rational level. I am consumed with this guy. I can't figure it out. I swear to god it makes no sense. I've never even heard him laugh. I've never even kissed him. But it's not about him. If this marriage ends, it isn't his fault. Like I said, he hasn't given me any encouragement or whatever. This is all me. This is me going crazy. I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis or an end of life crisis. Like I've just been told I have six months left to live. I want to just seize the fucking day. Put my cards on the table. Put my last two bucks in a slot machine. Pawn everything I own and buy a plane ticket. Fuck it. I'm trying to explain and defend something that can't be explained or defended. him: I've given you everything. All the shit we've been through. I wouldn't have gone through all this with any other woman. And by the way, don't you think I've had fantasies and feelings for other women? When I got that e-mail from Michelle last December, a lot of feelings came back. I chose to honor our vows and ignore those feelings. I certainly didn't act on them. her: See, that's what's wrong with me. I follow my heart around without common sense or discretion. I don't think I just feel everything times ten. I know I have not honored our vows or shown you the respect you deserve. I hate myself right now. But underlying all of this is a selfish need to follow my heart. It's brutal and tacky and ugly as hell. him: I've lost so much respect for you. I don't if I'll ever get it back. her: I understand. I don't expect forgiveness or understanding or a second chance. him: I'm sending him an e-mail. her: Don't. This is not about him. He hasn't done a goddamned thing. him: Oh, how good of you to defend your true love. her (laughing): You know...this is like me saying all of a sudden,"I can't be married to you anymore. I'm in love with Garth Brooks. His songs just really speak to me." This is crazy and I know it. I'm no one to him. I'm a...a...fan, for god's fucking sake! him: What if he e-mailed you right now and asked you to come to him? her: I'd go. I'd find a way. And I'd go. him: God. This is so pathetic. I wish I could give you a year and say,"Do whatever the fuck you want." her: Yeah. A lost weekend. him: But I wouldn't take you back. I'm just morbidly curious. I would love to see this demented drama played out in real life rather than over the fucking Internet. Because I guarantee you it would get old real quick if you met him in person. He wouldn't be the man you dreamed up in your head. He would be cold and emotionally unavailable and he would break your heart. her: He's already done that. It's unrequited. I'm an unrequited love junkie. I love you. But I've been going crazy all week thinking thoughts, feeling all these powerful emotions. him: Break it off. End it. You can't have it both ways. I am not going to be married to someone who is yearning for someone else. her: You shouldn't be. No one should have to put up with this shit. And I'm sorry. I can't lie to you. Honesty is my curse. My father is my curse. He did the same thing to my mom. He had all these wild oats to sow. He was going to give their marriage another try and then Barbara called from Baton Rouge and he took the next plane back to her. And like Elsa said...Uranus is in transit right now and Saturn is returning and I've got Aquarius on the seventh house and- him: Fuck curses and astrology. You need to grow up. You need to take stock of your life and take some responsibility. If you can't be in this marriage then get out. Get out now. Get out before thirty. I don't want to waste another two years of my life loving a woman who loves someone else. her: Before thirty... |