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By Misti Date: 2002 Jul 17 Comment on this Work [[2002.07.17.22.22.3475]] |
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I slept most of the day. I've decided to stop taking Zyprexa. It's for schizophrenics, anyway, and it knocks me flat on my ass. I've been sleeping way too much. Today Chris took me to a platform he'd found near the runway at the airport. Watched a couple of planes take off. He'd seen military planes earlier. They did loops and he could feel them landing. Pretty awesome. He wants to get his aviation license eventually. Then we went to REI, a mecca for outdoorsy types. Chris got a pair of socks for his hiking boots. I looked longingly at the tents. I got a card that has a photograph of a glacier hut in Alaska at night on the front. You can see the colored lights. Aurora Borealis. Alaska is my newest fascination. I'd rather go there than Europe or South America. I love "Northern Exposure," by the way. I haven't seen that show in a long time. Anyway, I'm going to start a "dream" box. Maybe I'll find a big plastic recipe box at Greenback's tomorrow. I'll put my Alaska card in there. I'll start collecting cards and pictures of places I want to go or things I want to buy. Or qualities I would like to cultivate in myself. I have a lot of growing up to do. Then we went to a fun center, one of those places that has miniature golf and an arcade. Chris beat me at air hockey, as always. I kicked butt at Fire-Ball, which is just a variation on Skee-Ball. We won over 300 tickets! Chris got a water rocket and I got a Spiderman blow-up hammer. I told Chris I can hit him with it and it won't hurt. Then we bought groceries. I got some more of those new Chips Ahoy sandwich cookies. Chris got a bunch of yogurt and plums. We spent over eighty bucks in there. Today I watched "Carnal Knowledge." I like the dialogue between Jack Nicholson and Art Garfunkel at the very beginning, before you can even see them. Jack Nicholson asks Art Garfunkel if he would rather love or be loved. Of course Art said he'd want both but Jack insisted...what if it wasn't mutual? I forget what Art's answer was but it got me to thinking. When I was dating Brian he told me more than once that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. It hurt like hell because I wanted to marry the guy but I toughed it out for six months. That was an example of me loving and not being loved. I know this is probably a sweeping generalization but I think if given the choice, women prefer to love rather than be loved and men prefer to be loved. I know this intuitively and from much experience. I've loved at least two men who didn't return my affection. Chase and Brian. Neither one of them seemed to mind all the love I gave them. They kept taking it. It was just so much free sex and ego gratification for them. For me it was sublime highs and degrading lows. Do I regret giving love to men who didn't love me back? Not really. It's easy to be in love alone. The love I felt for various men sustained me through some pretty shitty times. It's always nice to identify with songs like "My Man" by Billie Holiday and "I've Been Loving You Too Long" by Otis Redding. Makes you feel deeply in touch with your humanity. But yes, unrequited love hurts like hell. |