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By Misti Date: 2002 Sep 02 Comment on this Work [[2002.09.02.03.13.30837]] |
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Phyllis, I haven't written in awhile 'cause there's not much to report. Thank you for the grocery money. I know that you and Tom and Mom have done all ya'll can do. I'm still bitter over the whole Angelito's thing....I loved those kids and I can't believe they fired me for talking about tornadoes and for reading my private journal that I was dumb enough to bring to work. I will never work in daycare again. I love children but I don't like the people who work in daycare and I have no tolerance for uppity Yuppie parents. When they let me go it hurt me very deeply. I realize I have made some horrible choices since then but I have looked all over for a job, any job. I don't feel too good to work in fast food, I just know that I can't. I tried working at Dairy Queen once and had to quit after three days. I cannot work a cash register. I have this huge mental block when it comes to money and I can't handle having all these people in my face. It stresses me out more than I can express. I've always felt that the ideal job for me would be proofreading/writing/clerical work/filing/typing. I've taken various tests at various temp agencies to no avail. I test well and I'm presentable so I don't know why the phone is not ringing. It's really starting to piss me off. I hate with everything in me that the burden has been on Chris all these months. We would have been better off staying in Nederland but I was about to lose my job at Spherion and I don't know where else I could have worked. I've had this history since I was a teenager. Getting fired has always hurt me worse than getting dumped by a guy. My self-esteem has been crushed in a million different ways. I have a good work ethic. I'm honest and I feel like I have a good attitude, even though I'm not as bubbly/talkative as most people would like me to be. Just surviving in this world has been an endless battle for me. That's why it hurt me so deeply when Tom said in the IM that Chris is Sir Lancelot, here to take me off my family's hands. I can certainly understand that. I've been a burden on my family for years. I've floated from Mom and Dave to Meme and Pop. That's why I moved in with Jay (Julie Kate's birth father) after dating him for a week. I wanted to finally be free from my family and stop draining them. Didn't work out. Jay drained my checking account and there is still a warrant out for my arrest in Arizona. And then there's Julie Kate. I'll never get over that loss as long as I live. Even if Chris and I have children of our own someday there will always be this hole in my heart, this piece of me that cannot be repaired with all the therapy or Celexa in the world. You know...when Chris and I first started talking online everyone in my family doubted anything would come of it. When Chris sent me that heart necklace my grandfather said,"Well, maybe he is true." My family was thrilled when Chris decided to marry me. I guess in part because he was taking me off their hands but also because I had never been loved by a man and they thought I'd never find that kind of happiness. I called my grandmother the other day telling her how disheartened I was about everything and telling her I just wanted to end the marriage and come stay with her and Pop. She told me that I was lucky to find someone like Chris because I'm so "unsociable" and that if I divorced Chris I'd never find anybody else. That hurt me because it was true. I know that you and Tom wish that Chris could have married a woman who can at the very least hold down a job. I wish I were stronger, more successful, more brilliant with a wonderful personality and more to offer. I know that Chris could do much, much better than me. But for some reason he loves me and needs me and wants to work things out. It breaks my heart to think that I will never be able to have kids. It kills me to think that I will always depend on my family in some way. I feel like I'm retarded or horribly deficient. I am $20,000 in debt with student loans and I don't have a damn thing to show for it. So much waste. It is truly sickening. As for Susanne, I have a lot of respect for her. If we don't get along maybe it's because we are so different. We've never really talked to each other. The relationship between Susanne and Chris is drastically different than the relationship between me and Dustin. I am very close to Dustin and to Autumn, maybe because growing up it was just us and Mom against the world. Dustin took me to Santa Fe on Saturday night and bought me Chinese food. The other night he took me to a jazz club. The few times I've been around Susanne she and Chris don't seem to get along too well. I just feel kind of awkward. I did not mind you and Tom being here. I was happy to see ya'll and I was happy for Chris. I just felt uncomfortable about the job situation. I had just started the temp job and didn't have a good feeling about it. Then I felt funny that night at Garduno's when Chris told you to tell me that I needed to go to bed early. I had wanted to show you and Tom my collages at Insomnia. I shouldn't have been so offended but I've always been hyper sensitive and these days I'm feeling especially raw and ragged. Believe me, I am going to do everything in my power to KEEP my AOL job. I don't want to go through the hell of trying to find a job again. I know that AOL is a great company and I know I can't do any better than $8 an hour. In the meantime, I am going to try like hell to find a temporary job. We can't go on living like this. Chris still doesn't have his voice back. It was one thing when I had to live with myself and my inadequacies on my own....now I've brought another human being into the picture and I am responsible for the quality of Chris's life. The only reason I've started praying again and entertaining the idea of going to church is because I feel so powerless and desperate. I don't know what I believe anymore. I know that if Chris and I ever have kids we will not raise them to be Fundamental Christians. But that's so abstract, the idea of us having kids. It's like an impossible dream, like me being a Hollywood player or having my poems published. As hard as my life has been, I truly love life and there is so much I want to do and see. I love the idea of meeting Julie Kate someday when she is a young woman. I think of suicide when I think of all the damage I have caused. I think,"It would be easier on everyone if I were out of the picture." But that's not true. It feels true a great deal of the time, but suicide is never a good solution. I truly wish that so much could be erased and that I could be a better wife and friend to Chris. I've got a lot of work ahead of me. Love, Misti |