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By RainbowChaser Date: 2002 Oct 07 Comment on this Work [[2002.10.07.13.05.7391]] |
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Ana Mia what do those words mean? ask anyone who has any eating knowledge at all and a wierd look with transfix their eyes why do these two small words equate to a silent hell that no one can fully imagine what makes this path in life so attractive? why do always fall into this trap when I think I'm finally out of the woods? Except I find myself hurled up in a heap, with a finger down my throat How can i explain the exhilaration that consumes me as I 'fulfill my duty' It is so disgusting it hurts, and it feels like someone is taking a knife to my inner organs but yet, i fulfill my promise to the other person that shares my body I don't want to be fat, neither does she, so we have to compromise sometimes One day, I do what I'm supposed to, or do the ana stuff except lately ana hasn't been in my vocabulary or on my mind this is the main reason i thought that she was out of my life but like a distant relative, she comes to visit when I least expect her I thought that counting calories was out of my mind for a while yet the scale calls my name constantly and when I eat too much, I decide to go on a rash course of action Why? WHy is what I keep asking myself? when i completely fuck up and feel that there is no hope out there, then I take drastic measure measures which involve full out stomach upset, and all the ramifications that follow it yet in some fucked up sense, i feel as if i'm in complete control of my whole life, if only for that brief moment in time As I kneel down, and face the porcelain goddess, my heart is torn I pray that this time i can make it, that this time will be my last and i vow not to eat what I know I shouldn't to follow the strict rules I've set forth to myself otherwise the penalty could be steep i will have to work out longer, eat less, and stress more and the cottage cheese on my legs will never disappear and i will be doomed to shop in 'big women's' section, and never find clothing or successs but do people that torment me, or hate me know that I go through this my drive is as sharp as a knife, i'm as competitive as they come yet this is my weakness, this is what i long to challenge yet it finds me what kind of life have i lived to focus on this so fully? i look at heavy people and wonder if they fight this battle that i fight everyday if i reached 110 would my problems be solved or would i only find more fat in my body that needed conquered i want to be loved for my mind, yet praised for my body i feel more confidence than ever before i walk with a swing in my step, i have lost over 60 lbs yet i remain unfulfilled one day, i will break from these chains, maybe when it's too late yet my body will become a temple before my very eyes and i will realize all its beauty, strengths, and advantages until then, I will starve and purge, hoping for that one day when I can come out in the sunshine and find happiness when my prince will reach for me, and to him I will come, naked, yet openly embracing my beautiful body i have been loved completely before, and i will be loved completely again regardless of my size, i am a worthwhile person, she just has to realize this, once she does my battle is won |