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By lilla Date: 2003 Mar 10 Comment on this Work [[2003.03.10.03.37.4574]] |
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Destiny. It's funny, mysterious, liberating, unforgiving, restless, comforting. Can't help but become too cheesy and goofy about this. It is one of those facts about life which can certainly be a huge issue to me sometimes. I was born in April 1970, and if I do not miscalculate, I must have some good 384 summers in life, and am looking forward to my 385th this year. My life (and my character, as well), in a nutshell is defined by the many relationships I was able to build, nurture, and conclude over the years. If only for these, I must say, life has been treating me pretty well. And yes, while I have made many careful, careless, independent and conditional choices in life, fate has its own fashion (and passion) of pushing its way to my life. And so there was I with my really selfless and conventional matrimonial decision, a quiet and averse separation that followed, and the uncertainty and intensity of romances in successions. "No choice" is not a welcome policy in my life. The choices I made are strongly dependent on the options laid down to me by fate. A grand design that I always, always consciously decorate further, and further on. But what was really puzzling (though not necessarily questioning) was the timing and the key participation of the specific people who figured in it. Pregnancy at 26 in not inevitable at this time and age. Marriage is not a pre-requisite, either. Why him, while there were many in tow. And gee, whatever happened to that one great love. He came unexpectedly, left without any promises but came back nonetheless, and left me just the same but this time for good. Why this feeling? Why this intensity .... why him whom I did not choose to marry? And if I did, could he lived longer. My clairvoyant friend told me, he will die just the same for it is bound to happen. And so I said it once in his funeral, I'll say it again, if I live my life in the next 50 years or so, I will live it without him, but a burning memory of one great love that never was. Another one came. It was not planned, and was purely circumstantial. After some years together, it had to come to an end. Not as soon but twas something waiting to happen. And so it did. But at least this time, I knew about it, I knew of its coming. As it was bound to happen, and so it was. Not as painful though, but the thought of the next coming days was just as dreadful like the others. But it's alright now. I owe myself some solitude. When I look back, I see myself always, always in a relationship (whether a good or a bad one). For a while, I sincerely appreciated my moments with myself, with my music, my readings, my poetry, my scented candles, my wine, my coffee, my warm bath, alone. I cannot complaint. And for a while I forgot about destiny, not until the day I found you. I was unsuspecting. I didn't know. I was naturally myself. And I was careless. I was drawn closer and deeper to you. Suddenly I feel again that old familiar sensation in my spine. And I'm blushing as if it's the first time. Unexpectedly, I have fallen for reasons I don't know. I just felt it, and somehow it felt good. And so now I find myself in a scuffle with destiny. You invaded my privacy, and unleashed all the mundane desires that solitude somehow managed to push deeper and deeper to my memory. I was happy with my pillow, and now I sleep with your silhouette but I must say that it made me happier. And yet until this very day you remain a stranger to me(and I to you, an unresolved whatever!), It was fate the brought you to me, but not close enough for me to just even touch you face or hold you closer. It was fate's calling to relive this feeling which I have not long missed after all, and yet it has remained unrequitted for the longest time. I have won battles of this kind in my lifetime but it seems that I am at a lost each time you're around. I couldn't even let you catch my stare for I am afraid that you will find all the answers in my eyes. Stevie, I wanted to love you, share myself with you and live happily committed to each other until the last days of our lives. But I guess I have to wait, destiny talking ...... It's not yet time. I will love you nonetheless. |